Um, Maybe You Could Have Worded That Better

This text was sent to me by my friend Beautiful Bobby...

"What u doin? If u aint busy bring your ass to bastrop. I rented a cabin for tonight."

Conversations With Paulie

On the Subject of People being smitten with me...

Me: ugh next month I'll be 37 all I want is no more blood in my unrine, a quiet place to take a shit and an occasional meatball sub and if I want sex I'll get it in the parking lot of a shitty hole in the wall dive
Paulie:It's the American Dream.
Paulie: Actually that sounds like The American Dream's American dream

On the Subject of midget wrestling...

 Me: What the fuck is up with Hogan's Micro Championship Wresling?
Paulie: ha ha ha I haven't seen it.
Me: It's making me sick. It's like trying to eat a tuna fish sandwich in the same room as a dirty litter box.

On the subject of what's on the agenda for the evening...
Me: Paulie the den door is unlocked, just let yourself in.
Paulie: Why what's up?
Me: I'm gonna take a shit and then open my first beer of the night.

On greeting a new day...
Paulie: Morning turner
Me: Morning beary

On the Justice Leauge...
Paulie: I think DC is making Swamp Thing a member of the Justice League.
Me: In real life?

On my review of Fast Five...
Paulie: Tun can you talk?
Me: nah I'm at the movies with my nephew.
Paulie: What are you watching?
Me:Fast Five.
Paulie: How is it?
Me: I'd rather stare at the sun.

on the subject of Shawn White...


Me: Shaun White looks like a female teacher
Paulie:Ive always hated Shaun White. Get a haircut ginger! She has hair like she's hot but a face like she's gross.
 Me :He looks like a fresh fourth grade teacher with many years in front of her.
Paulie: This is Ms. White, she's our new 4th grade teacher fresh from tsu and that's when she responds with "I'm so nervous."
Me : wearing a tall lady dress. He looks like he's be a tall lady.
Paulie: Yeah and having the neckline where normally you'd see cleavage but all you see is collarbone.
Me : I keep thinking if lilly tomlin...


and Carol Burnet...

had a baby it would be Shaun White

Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

This Happened in Victoria

Dog Wash at the local liquor store this past Sat

(clears throat)

• The gun shop must have been booked that day
• Husband:" I'm going to wash the dog." Wife(thinking to herself)"But we don't have a dog."
• Considering the caliber of women in Victoria I saw dogs washing dogs in that parking lot
• I saw the ad for this in the newspaper. It read, " Come to Western Beverages this Sat and get your dog washed. Also don't forget to step inside for all of our great deals on the finest spirits. Don't have a dog? Fuck it! Just come over and buy a bottle of hooch to numb the pain." They actually said Fuck it in the newspaper
• As I drove buy I saw the owner of the store come out with a shotgun and yell," get off my property you god damn philanthropists!!
• I wonder how many dogs were left behind after the owners bought the only thing that really brings them joy
• You take your dog to get washed but the dog might have to drive you back
• "How did you commemorate the tenth anniversary of 9-11?" By getting my dog washed at the local liquor store you freedom hating bastard!

Ok I have one more joke:

well that's not so much as a joke but rather a giant evil rabbit car but you get the idea

Comfortably Numb 2011

This happened May 2011

hell freezing over that is

when Roger breaks the wall...amazing

I'm glad Mr. Gilmour didn't come tumbling down

man I hope they release this on Disney DVD

you have to watch on Youtube

I'm sure because of Roger Waters

dick

Team Sexy

That's what Sharpie and I call ourselves whenever we play pub quizzes

Anyway, I stroll back into Austin on Thursday to finish off clearing my pad

Kate gave me an extra day off because I went to Austin on Monday but mostly ended up watching Raw with Sharpie at Buffalo Billiards and getting drunk

so I left Austin with work left to be done on Monday

So I get Thursday off to get the job done

anyway, I'm giving Sharpie my couch

yes, that couch

that famous couch

so much history with that couch

couch

I get into town Thursday morning and start packing everything up

in the late afternoon Sharpie calls me and asks if I want to take a break

I tell him sure

so he gets to my place and we load up the couch and take it to his

then it's off to the races

Sharpie tells me he's in a mood to sit back, have a beer and listen to a good juke box

and I can dig that

our first stop, Casino El Camino

we hear it had a good juke box

but not that good cause at about the 15 minute mark Sharpie wants to leave

now, I'm gonna pause here to explain that Sharpie has to work in the morning

and like on Mondays we make sure that nothing too crazy goes down so we stick with beer

but, this is technically my last night in Austin for this chapter so who knows

anyway, we do a search for the best juke boxes in Austin on my new smart phone(note to self, write a blog about my smart phone, it's classic)

first one on the list

Casino El Camino

now picture me and Sharpie looking up from my phone and looking around Casino El Camino while looking at a list for the best juke boxes in Austin

and we're at number one

we both say, what's next?

we decide on a place called The Brixton

we hit the place and I have to admit, I liked this jukebox

they had The Faces and The Zombies

I like The Faces and The Zombies

and it's happy hour

so we make the switch to rum and cokes

the first round we get has bad coke

the coke is out and it's a weird non coke and rum

but I guess we had worse cause we drank them

when I go get a second round , another waitress notices the bad drink and buys us a round since she had to change out the coke

on our third or fourth round of rum and cokes we both spy a machine behind the bar churning an icee like drink that was vomit colored

it's called The Bushwacker

our curiosity gets the better of us and we ask about it

she tells us it has 9 ingredients and 8 of them are alcohol

we asks for a sample

she fills up two shot glasses and hands them to us

to our surprise we actually like it

so we order two

she serves us in glasses that were no bigger than the shotglasses she handed us earlier

my joke was the samples were bigger

by the third or so round of these I could tell that these drinks would be the end of us

we were both feeling pretty damn good

so we decided to try out the another bar, Shangra La

these are the bars on the east side of town and all in walking distance

while walking to Shangra La we walk past a bar called Cheer Up Charlie's

Sharpie tells me he thinks that's a gay bar

remember that, it's my favorite part of the night

so we get to Shangra La and now we switch to Sailor Jerry's rum and coke

by this time it's Tuna and Sharpie in full effect

we're under the influence of everything right now

we shoot the shit at the bar and stay for a while

then Sharpie tells me he's hungry

he wants pizza

so we decide to call it a night

while walking back to our cars we walk past Cheer Up Charlie's again

this is how this plays out now

Sharpie: "Tuna, go ask them if this is a gay bar."

Me:"O.K"

(I step off the sidewalk and walk up to the guy sitting on a stool checking i.d.'s. There's a bouncer next to him. Sharpie stays on the sidewalk but is just a few steps behind me.)

Me (to the guy): "Is this a gay bar?"

Guy: pauses "It's gay friendly."

(I turn around to tell Sharpie)

Me( yelling):"IT'S GAY FRIENDLY."

Sharpie(yelling back):"IS THERE A COVER?"

keep in mind Sharpie is just a few paces behind me and there is no reason for either of us to be yelling and the guy can clearly hear Sharpie, correction the Bushwacker is the reason for the yelling

Me:"Is there a cover?"

guy:"no"

Me back to Sharpie:"NO!"

Sharpie:"DO THEY HAVE FOOD?"

Me:"Do you have food?"

guy:"There's food trailers in back."

Me back to Sharpie:"THERES FOOD TRAILERS IN THE BACK."

Sharpie:"WHAT KIND OF FOOD?"

at this point the bouncer steps in and asks Sharpie himself ,"What are you in the mood for?"

I do that thing where I look all around to see who the bouncer is talking to since I'm thinking they clearly cannot hear nor see Sharpie

anyway we go in and order more rum and coke instead of calling it a night

if we had just gone home it would have been close to midnight

plenty of time for a good night's sleep

so we mosey into the back part with our rum and cokes and start to mingle

there we meet a large black man by the name of Lawrence

we learn that Lawrence is from Baltimore and is traveling with three other people to California

they stopped in Austin because they hear Austin's the place to be in this day and age

and Lawrence just met team sexy

on Bushwackers

he talks about how they want to check out a club called Barbarellas

that just so happens to be one of Sharpie's favorite haunts in Austin

we can't resist and instead of going home we start the night over again with Lawrence and his crew

we get to the place and now start drinking Lone Star beers

we show them one hell of a time

we're all over the place

upstairs, downstairs, in the halls, on the dancefloor, in the patio

we're cracking Lawrence and the Baltimore boys up something fierce

Lawrence almost broke my arm with a side 5 he gave me cause I cracked one hell of a joke

now that I'm writing this I remember why my left arm hurts so damn much

it's closing time and I make the mistake of going out of the bar

but everyone is still inside

they won't let me back in cause it's past two

so I start to make friends with everyone outside talking

they finally get out and we bid them farewell

Sharpie comes with me and off we go

it's now about 2:30

on the ride home Sharpie passes out in my truck

I'm determined to get him home and make sure he gets up for work

I was thinking about taking him to his place and sleeping on my couch I just gave him

but one thing I know about Sharpie is when he first passes out you cannot move him, wake him, or get him to do anything you want him to do

unless you physically pick him up

and I was in no condition to do that

so his car is at my place so the best thing to do is drive to my place

another thing I know about Sharpie is he doesn't stay knocked out all night

there's a small window where he wakes up and will listen to you

so I park my truck and roll down the windows and get comfortable in the truck

I'm leaning back with my feet out the window

about an hour later Sharpie wakes up and mumbles something

I get up since I know this is my chance to get him inside so we can at least get some sleep inside for a few hours

I get him in and set down the blankets

I ask him what time I should wake him

I set the alarm and we pass out

in the morning, Sharpie tells me the last thing he remebers is Barbarellas and then he woke up on my floor

that was one hell of a break

after he leaves I make the mistake of going back to sleep

I wake up in just the time to get up and drive back to Victoria to go to work

there was still work to be done at my apt

so that night I talked Paulie into driving with me back to Austin to clear out my pad

just so I could have someone to talk to while I take that drive again

when Kate heard about this she asked me how come it's taking me so many trips to move

I told her whenever I step foot in that city I end up getting drunk

god I'm gonna miss that town