"The Batman...

or is it just Batman?
Your choice of course."-Selina Kyle, Batman Returns 1992

The funniest thing I've seen in a while...(He flips the kid ha ha ha)

The Swagga, Kurt Johnston, and The Grim Reaper

So I'm in the middle of a visit from the Swagga

he's the guy I helped sneak into Coachella two years ago

this is the third time he's come to Texas to visit me since then

it's kinda nice to represent a whole state for this guy

he got here Thursday around 11pm

he called me and said he needed to run an errand when he got into Austin

He wanted to know if I wanted him to drop off his stuff at the house and then leave or come over later

I told him it doesn't matter and I asked if he wanted me to go with him

he said, "well I know you have to get up in the morning, I don't want to put you out."

I told him," Swagga as long as I don't drink I can stay up as late as I want."

his response was, "Tuna, who says we're not gonna drink."

ha ha I love my friends

this is gonna be fun

I get about 4 hours of sleep Thurs night

Friday Raul comes into town and we get in touch with Kurt Johnston

so now it's the four of us

the place that we meet Kurt is a coffee house

it's blues night

I felt a little weird for taking Swagga to a coffee house on a Friday night to listen to blues in Austin

he's more a man of action than that

but what sold me is that since it was gonna be four dudes hanging out we needed some lovely ladies to hang out with

and Kurt said the girl guy ratio was 3 to 1

it was very "different"

first off this place looks like and is about the size of a subway restaurant

when we get in there they're playing some blues

and just about everyone in the place is dancing

actually they're "dirty" dancing

I guess that's the only way to dance the blues

and they're all sweating

making our way to the bar to order a drink felt like being surrounded by insects

they were all moving and swaying all over the place

sometimes you had to join the dance just to maneuver around them

so we get our beer and sit down with Kurt

Swagga then learned the beautiful joy that is the beer, Lone Star

I've been on a huge Lone Star kick because they're cheap and I'm always broke

he's never had a Lone Star and was jealous that California doesn't have it's own beer

just another great thing about Texas

by the way he loved this beer and hated Shiner Bock beer

the place we sat at just happens to be the "water table"

it's a watering hole for the dancers

they come over to this area all sweaty and rehydrate themselves

so this led to a lot of interaction with the dancers

it took no time for someone to ask me to dance

which is no surprise

but then I notice that someone asked Raul to dance

that was a surprise

then I look to my right and Kurt is dancing

then to my left the Swagga is dancing

so we're all dirty dancing

so basically all the girls are here to dance and they try to dance with a different guy every song

that's what one dancer told me

then she said that they are all followers which means it's ad-lib dancing

they're all trained to follow the guys' leads no matter how they dance or what moves they do

there are a few rules:
1) No beer on the dance floor. You spill your beer on the floor not on the girls.
2)Whenever you grind you do it on the chest. Never touch your crotch to theirs.
3)Don't ask for phone numbers. Not only will you get turned down on a possible second dance but hookups are no nos.

now if you know anything about me I don't like rules

so here are a few things I did to shake the place up:

I told a girl she looks like Molly Shannon from SNL

she got so pissed she walked away from me

I told one girl that she was tiny

she almost walked away from me while we were dancing

at the bar I loudly told Kurt I wanted to dance with a man

he pointed to a guy next to us at the bar and said," why don't you ask him."

I turned and looked at the guy and smiled

he couldn't pay for his beer fast enough and get out of there

I lost my scarf and asked a couple who took my seat if they were sitting on my scarf

when they got up to look and said no I asked them, "do you want to?"

they just stared at me

when we were leaving instead of grabbing the girls head to lean it towards me so I could kiss her forehead I accidentally gave her a legitimate thumb to the eye

we left it at that and left because Swagga was getting bored and he was frustrated with all these damn rules

Swagga looks like a football jock and talks like a surfer dude

and he's a fuck machine

Raul is not on the other hand and wanted to stay because of all the attention he was getting

but I talked him into leaving and we took Kurt with us

so we took Swagga to 6th street where he was surrounded with people

we stopped at the first bar we saw and got a few more drinks and a couple of shots

then I said let's go play with the zombies on 6th street

We got to talking about the seasons and season 3

Kurt came up with the idea that Swagga should do an intro to season three with some crack head on the street

you know, "welcome to season three!"

I loved it and we went looking for one

we got split up during a high five challenge

Kurt was with me helping me keep count

we came across a girl puking on the street

Kurt suggested I ask her

ha ha I declined

we ran into the Grim Reaper

it was a homeless man dressed up as the Grim Reaper with a black faceless hood

he would stand on a box and let people take pictures with him

pretty genius

So Kurt and I decided that he would be better than a crack addict

well he very well might be so it was a win win situation

while asking him about the intro he kept asking us what time it was

he was starting to panic

so I looked at my phone and told him 2:30 am

he jumped off his box and frantically tried to get his tip bucket

all he would say is the "horses are coming!"

apparently at two thirty Austin police sweeps the streets on horse and gets the area ready for the streets to re-open

so he's panicking because he's dead center in the street and one time he got knocked down and tangled in the horses and got pretty hurt

so now I'm trying to help and actually hurting because I didn't realize the tip bucket was strapped to him and now he's tangled

then he shouts "here they come!"

and when I turn to look I swear to god they looked like ring wraiths

I saw them turn the corner and they looked to be moving in slow motion through a fog

what a weird night I'm having

anyway we get in touch with Raul and Swagga and while waiting for them we hang with the reaper takes his mask off and I now I'm just hanging with a bum

Swagga and Raul get here now and we make the intro

we came up with a pretty good idea

since Kurt and Swagga aren't in the seasons they should do the intro

"I'm Kurt JOhnston and I'm the swagga!"

then the Grim Reaper says, "..and this is Season Three!!!"

he was supposed to say welcome to season three but oh well

while eating street pizza Swagga make a pretty funny observation

he noticed the streets are shut down early in the night and opened up later whenever everyone is the drunkest

he said," good everyone's drunk now, let in the cars!"

then Swagga met some girl who was down in her life

he asked her what was wrong

she said she had been assaulted

so he asked her to tell him the story

then he told her to finish it with," Welcome to Season 3!!!"

man we laughed the whole way back to the car

man what a great night

I had to be at work at 5am

and it was now 4:20 am

The Forgotten Blog

So due to a series of events I have been reminded of the fall carnival of 2007

this is a great forgotten story that has never been put in blog form

it's a good one

and it's all true

Ok so it's October 2007

Paul had mentioned that in Port Lavaca there is a fall carnival

for some reason I was all about it

I was stupid about going to this fall fun fare

but as usual I had double booked myself the sat that it came to town

I was supposed to co-host the Three Man Ego Trip's Dark Side of the Rainbow Halloween Party at the Den's backyard

but I didn't want to cancel the carnival

So during the Day I set up the back yard and in the early evening I called Raul and The Madness and invited them

So we drive to Port Lavaca and meet Paulie at the carnival

Erik mentions to me that he's been to theme parks but never to a carnival

I couldn't believe it

What a treat!!

ha ha just kidding

so when we get there me and Madness buy some tickets for the rides

I notice Raul and Paulie didn't buy any

so I called them on it

they said they don't ride rides

so Madness and I proceed to ride the rides

the first one was a hang gliding type ride

to ride it you had to lie on your stomach with you ass exposed in the air

Erik said, "I don't like this."

it held three people and after a while a little kid joined us


while waiting I joked that a doctor walks up behind us with a chart and asks, "Which one of you is Vincent?"

then I said, "What you can't tell?"

Erik laughed and reminded me there was a little boy next to me

after that one we get on a ride that swings like a pendulum until you're completely upside down

you know, this one:


as you can see me and Madness sit right up front

behind us is a mother and her little boy

after the ride starts and we start to build up speed and are almost upside down the little boy says, "I'm scared, I don't like this!"

then he says the four words you do not want to hear on a carnival ride

"I'm gonna throw up!"

I can just imagine how awful it would be to have vomit added to the craziness of this ride

it wasn't gonna happen on my shift

so I started to yell at the little boy

I said, "Bullshit you're not gonna throw up!"

I continued, "this is a carnival, it's supposed to be fun!"

and I continued to yell at him until the ride came to stop

and he did not throw up

when we got off the ride and I looked at the kid and told him good job

after that I talk Paulie into coming into the fun house with us

he agreed

then I talked him into going on that really big slide that looks like a wavy line going up and down

you use an old sack to slide down it

you have to climb a lot of stairs and I underestimated how high the slide was

and I forgot that Paulie is afraid of heights

so now Madness and myself are positioned to slide down

Paulie is at his spot but he won't sit down

he's afraid he's gonna slip

so for some reason he takes off his shoes and now is in his socks

Erik calls him out on that logic

in the video you can see me shaking my head because I'm thinking that Paulie is thinking," I don't like this."

but Paulie does rise to the occasion and sits down and goes down the slide

ok so times ticking and we have plenty of tickets so Erik and I decided to ride one more ride

it's a parasol ride

you know a little seat with an umbrella thing on top

so everything is going fine

the ride is going on in a circular path

Erik and I are cracking jokes

all of a sudden the ride comes to a halt

then it starts to reverse the direction

from clockwise to counter clockwise

this completely fouls up Erik's equilibrium

he says, "I don't like this."

those are his last words

he looks like he's gonna puke

so I start yelling at him

"This is supposed to be fun."

ha ha ha no I didn't say that

I was telling him if he was gonna puke then puke over the side

and I gave him a little nudge

he said I was not helping

and was close to spilling his cookies

then he looked down and saw Raul with the camera ready just waiting to capture the moment

Erik said he thought to himself, "Oh, hell no, Raul is not gonna get me puking."

this is as close as he got:


he fought it and we got through that one

well with all this fun it was time to go

on the way out I yelled at Raul and Paulie

"Thank god Erik was here, if not I would have rode all those rides by myself."

Paulie said, "Hey I got on two rides."

then I yelled, "The fun house is not a ride!"

good times

You're Standing Before Two Different Doors...

So Carrie is out of the Army

her four years came and went

Her Husband Tyler is out as well this month

Carrie's baby, my Goddaughter is about three months old

right now they live in Kileen Tx

and they are a quaint nice family with quite time for the baby

Now picture a blues bar deep on the east side of Austin TX

that's the bad part of town

but this place is jumping with the blues

the bar is called TC's and they have live blues every monday night

it's one of the few places I've seen where the dance floor is packed more than the bar side of the place

I got invited by none other than Mer one night

so let me explain this bar

it's old,dark,dirty,scary and fun as hell

when I first went I was hella early

the owners were all old black people

I felt like I was the only one at a wedding reception while everyone was still at the church

the killer is they let you bring your own bottle

they sell the cokes for about a buck

if everyone pitches in you can buy a decent size bottle and drink for about a dollar

it doesn't hurt that I'm heavy into this particular brand of rum called Sailor Jerry's

I bought and killed three of these bottles in one week

also the people that own the bar cook and serve it for free

the clientele for this bar are young white college kids

it's funny, all these white kids jumping and bopping to the blues

the first night there I was dancing with Mer

when I went to go sit down I heard someone shout my name

when I looked to see who it was it was Kurt Johnston

he was the weekend weather guy

it was him on weather, super duper as the anchor and Daniel Holdege on sports

so he joined us and we had one hell of a night

that led me buying and killing four bottles of Sailor Jerry's

so here's the problem

I'm getting a little worried about the rate at these bottles get bought and killed

I try to tell myself that I've slowed down, which I have

I really really have slowed down a great deal

the thing is that that monster is still inside and can still come out

even now

it's not hard at all for me to still out drink, out play, and out last all these suckas around me

even in this slowed down period

I love going to this blues bar but I've made arrangements for me to drive to Kileen on Mondays and watch Monday NIght Raw with the Bogart family

I reckon it's about time to get back into wrestling since Mania season is around the corner

and I want to get to know my GodDaughter

you know develop a bond with her

and this is better for me

but I'm not done with this blues bar

I'll be back

with that said I've got a great story about the time I took my brother Erick and Beautiful Bobby:

when we get there the place is packed

so we park on the street

while crossing, a car comes veering around a corner and actually speeds up when he sees us in the middle of the street

we all run like hell and the car even swerves it seems to try to hit us

Erick drops his keys in the road and actually stops to grab them

we're all yelling as he grabs them and the car speeds past

turns out they were cops

we get inside and the place is jumping

I see Kurt and I say hello

Kurt is wasted and slurring

while talking to me he hits my cup and spills a full drink all over the floor

my crew sees this and give me hell all night about spilling my drink

I keep telling them I didn't and that it was Kurt over and over again

so we finally get a table and while talking I hit my glass and spill a full drink on me

"Ok,that one was my fault this time."

we sit next to a nice black lady named Claire

she tells us how much she loves this place

during last call a black man clearing the table asks me for a shot from my bottle

I give him one

he continues on but before he walks away he turns to me and says, "that's alright! Say man what is that?"

I tell him, "Sailor Jerry's. Yeah it's good, I should know, I'm wearing it."

on the way out I see more people that I know

then Erick tells us he lost his keys

I tell whoever i'm talking to goodbye because we're on the bad side of town late at night, drunk and stranded now

I tell here this is gonna be a long night

so now we're where the cops almost ran us over looking for the keys

there's all kinds of drug dealers and bums looking too

so now it's a race find the keys before the bums do

just then that nice lady Claire comes over to us and asks us what we were looking for

we tell her the keys and she pulls them out of her pocket

so we just assume she pick pocketed erick somehow

when we're leaving some guy asks if we want to buy some hydro

rube and erick bite

me and Bobby are in the car now talking about this night's highlights

and I point out that at this point of the story we're in the middle of a drug deal

so Rube opens the door and asks me if I have any money

I tell him 20 dollars

he asks the guy what does he have for 20 dollars

the dude says, "I'll give ya something for 20 dollars"

so he hands them a little baggie and we drive off

Erick opens it and says," man, it's grass."

and I say,"you mean it's not hydro?"

he says" no, it's grass like you mow your grass, grass."

they gave this guy 20 of my monies for fucking actual grass

well the guy did say "I'll give ya something for 20 dollars"

The Ballad of Cash Money

So two months ago my roommate comes up to me and asks "What would you say if I told you I want to get a dog?"

I told him to go for it

I really had no reason to deny him that dog

plus I'm thinking of getting a dog when I move out of Texas

the next day he comes home with a dog, Cash

he's a mix of German Shepard and Lab

awesome dog

he got it from the Petsmart that's in the shopping center that he works at

I did my part and walked the dog when Sharpie was at work or just wasn't home

I didn't want an accident in the house

I ended up spending a lot of time with Cash at the house when my roommate was out

My roommate asked how I liked having a dog

I told him I changed my mind about owning a dog

I didn't want one anymore

they rely on people too much

but the night of the Acl festival Cash kept me company while everyone was out

we both sat on the porch and I put some speakers outside and drank beer

Cash never tried to run off

Cash had a little peeing problem whenever he would get excited

it started to upset Sharpie and Sharpie got tired of it

he told me he was thinking about taking Cash back

I was a little disappointed to hear that cause I was getting attached to Cash

but it never happened

I go on a lot of hikes and at these spots there are dogs all around

so I started taking Cash with me

he would ride in the back of Smokey

he loved it

I would say, "Cash you wanna go play?"

Cash would jump off the couch and start to do a little dance by the door and make a little yelping noise and get crazy excited

these were off the leash parks and Cash loved them

he would run around like a race dog

most of them were trails in the woods with creeks and plenty of shallow swimming holes

Cash played so well with all the other dogs and I would get complements how cool he was

there was one spot that I was training him to swim

he was doing pretty good

there was this one dog park that had a long cement wall that you could sit on while you watch your dog play

Cash would play with the dogs but occasionally would come over and sit next to me

I would put my arm around him while we both sat there and watch the dogs

when it was time to leave he would look for Smokey

one time he jumped on the back of someone's car then jumped into the bed of Smokey

Cash started to sleep with me every night

he was getting attached

it got to the point that he would only sleep with me

I thought Sharpie was ok with the fact that Cash liked me

Sharpie said one night, "Tuna, I don't know what Cash is gonna do when you leave."

So Cash has gotten out more than once but the cool thing is he came back on his own

except one time

he was gone overnight

Sharpie placed a call to a service that finds lost dogs

they found him

Cash was back

but he had a cough

and it wasn't going away

so Sharpie said he was taking Cash to the vet

but in two days Cash was no where to be found

and I missed my buddy Cash

I had a gut feeling that Sharpie took him back where he got him from

but in the two days Sharpie said nothing

so Saturday morning I woke up and went over to the Petsmart where Sharpie got him

with the intention of adopting Cash and back

I saw the little playpens that they put the dogs in but I didn't see Cash

I went up to talk to the lady and told her my situation

she said that Sharpie did bring Cash back and that he was at another Petsmart but she didn't know which one

she gave me a card that had a website that will tell me which store Cash was at

so I drove to the TV station to use one of their computers

I found him at a store up north

when I got there I saw Cash but he was out of the kennel and was on a leash with a couple of guys holding the leash

so I got out of the truck and watched from a distance

I saw the lady filling out some paper work

so I'm thinking well he got adopted and I was too late

then I see them give her Cash back and she puts him back in the playpen

the two dudes drive off

so maybe they changed their minds

So I went over there to ask the lady

Cash saw me and stood up and started wagging his tale and doing that little excited dance and started yelping

I went over to pet him and he was very happy to see me

but he was looking at me like, c'mon let's go, get me out of here, lets
go play!

I went over to the lady and asked if those people adopted that dog

she said they sure did, they left to get the money

she said there were plenty of dogs left she would love to show me

I told her my story

she was sad to hear it

then I told her that I was gonna go over and say goodbye to Cash

that was really hard to do

I went back over to him he was even more excited

I knelt down and talked to him

he was licking my hand while I said goodbye

I stood up and walked away

I gave her my number in case the deal fell through but she said those people loved that dog

I'm sure that Sharpie has his reasons for giving up the dog and I'm sure it wasn't easy for Sharpie either

I'm not mad but I am surprised how attached I got to that dog

it caught me off guard and it actually hurt

He wasn't my dog

But Cash taught me how to own a dog

thank you Cash Money

The Clusterfuck

So this happend the Friday of the Acl fest in Austin TX

I knew that Raul, Kate, Tyson, Raul's brother and the brother's wife were all going to the festival

Sharpie and I did not get tickets

The headliners for that friday show were The Kings of Leon

so I knew all of these people were coming up to see the show so I organized a plan B for myself

I got in touch with my brother Rube a few days before the event

I asked if he was going to the show and he said no

So I said," let's hang out friday since everyone is going but you and me."

he agreed

now fast forward to friday

I get a text from raul that reads, "Katie (his brother's wife) is sick and can't go so my brother is out too/now I have two extra tickets you wanna go?"

so I replied "well I made plans with Rube and I don't want to cancel/let me see if he wants to go with"

Raul replies "ok let me know"

so I call Rube and give him the news

so Rube tells me to hold those tickets and he'll let me know

he wants to see if he can get an extra ticket for his friend eric so we can all go

so he calls me back and asks if the tickets are still a go

I ask Raul and he says yes

so I tell Rube

so Rube buys an extra ticket for his friend

then I call Raul and to tell him me and Rube are both in

NOW raul tells me he also sent the invite to Sharpie

I did not know this

so now three people want to go and there are only two tickets

so I tell Raul that Rube bought an extra ticket so the right thing to do is give Rube my ticket and Raul will take Sharpie and Rube

Raul doesn't care

So Kate calls me and asks whats going on

I give her the update

she spent the night at our house the day before and said she talked to Sharpie and said sharpie was feeling sick and will not be able to go to the concert and that I was going

so I call Sharpie to see what the deal is

he has no idea what Kate is talking about and he still wants to go

so now I'm getting pretty pissed and I'm done with all of this

Sharpie then tells me to go

by this time I'm so worked up that I won't be able to enjoy the show so I tell him to go

I go home and pick up Rube's ticket

I drop it off at Rube's job and he thinks I'm still going

I tell him that I'm going early and that I'll meet up with him later

I didn't want him to know that I'm not going because he wouldn't take the ticket

so finally everyone is gone and I have the house to myself

Rube eventually finds out I'm not at the show and is pretty shocked

now everyone is wondering if I'll be home when they're done with the show

Raul I understand tells them you never know with me

I'll either be there or I won't

I was drinking at my house and enjoying my own company

I get a call from a very drunk raul

he didn't even stay long enough to see the Kings

he left cause he wanted to go to a bar

and he left everyone there

that pissed me off

then around midnight everyone is calling

for a while I was waiting for all of them to come home

but they were all so drunk that I couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone when they were coming home

and they would not stop calling

I was done with this day

by one in the morning I went to my room and locked my door

I heard them come in but by this time I could care less who lived or died

within 30 minutes all was quite

so I left my room and went around the house

they were all laid out asleep

it looked like there was a gas leak in the house and it claimed 4 lives that night

I laughed and went back to my room

in the morning they all came into my room

I asked how the show went

they said it was cool but they wished I was there

I told them don't worry

I've already seen the kings and I had a great time

and I got to go with my favorite person in the world

they all kinda got quite

I love doing that to them

Sturgis Trip