Kate Saves Tuna

So, if I ever give a toast for Kate

not only can I thank her for stopping the bleeding

I can also thank her for saving my life


I won't elaborate during the toast,

but I'll tell the story here

It's a story from the Big V

last Summer we all went tubing

I have never learned how to swim

I've gotten along fine without that skill

mostly, cause I never go tubing

but I went with the bunch this time

side bar here,

I have all kinds of shit in my truck

it one time ranged from a Santa's beard to a shotgun

right now there's a Bible and a book on the Devil

well, I had a life jacket in the truck during this trip

but it wasn't for this trip

I just had it

I asked the group if I should wear it

the final verdict was that I would look like a pussy if I wore it

and I'd rather look cool than be safe any day

jump ahead 7 or so hours of tubing

everything's going great

only Gentleman had an incident where he fell out of his tube and thought he was drowing

then he stood up

we get to the very end and there's these little "rapids"

it dips down and there are nothing but huge rocks that the current is churning against

everyone went down this final part of the river and I was the only one left

I went down it completely wrong

backwards

and after drinking 15 beers

I get tossed out of my tube within seconds

the current is so strong, my head is where my feet should be instantly , and back right side up again

I felt like I kept complaining that I wanted to go swimming and my abusive parents put me in the washing machine

that's how chaotic it was

I'm also hitting every freaking rock on the way down

it's kinda hard to say ow when you're holding your breath

so now here I come come down these rapids like a fast forward version of plinko

drunk

without a inner tube

a life jacket

or the ability to swim

as I'm getting tossed around, I see a guy standing on an island of rocks

he's waving one hand at me

in the other he has my inner tube

I knew we had to time this JUST right

I nod my head to tell him that I see him

he waits for me to pass him

and he tosses my inner tube at me

according to Lovely(everyone was watching this beautiful disaster by the way, not just my group but an entire balcony of locals that gather in that spot just to watch what was happening to me)
anyway, Lovely said I pounced on the tube like this:

and she's 100% right

because, I remember doing that

I don't know how but I knew that tube was my only chance of making it out of this one alive

the water starts to calm down but I don't really have a hold of the tube and it's slipping

I see down the ways that Kate is in the water looking at me

Kate's a great swimmer and was even a lifeguard once

she looked at me and with out speaking a word asked," do you need me?"

I nodded at her because I was just about to lose my grip

right when I did, Kate was there to grab my tube and me

I grabbed onto the tube and "swam" to shore

when I got out of the water, I was completely slashed

both my legs, arms, hands, feet

I was bleeding everywhere

someone handed me a band aid

I didn't know where to put it

so, I just tossed it

while everyone was getting changed, I went to that balcony of locals

they all gave me a round of applause

they said I took one of the most hellacious beatings from those rocks they've ever seen

I told them," and now here I am with you fine folks drinking a beer with you all."

I held my drink up high and toasted life

I think next week we're going tubing again

I told Kate, "I think I'm gonna wear my life jacket."

I paused and added, "although drowning was kinda fun."

by the way, this is the trip that this all happened on

the previous story is not in this video as I was the one with the camera

hopefully you can forgive me for not rolling on it