IT'S NICE TO BE IMPORTANT, BUT IT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO BE NICE. AND IT'S NICE TO GET A COMPLEMENT FROM YOUR BOSS AND THAT MAKES YOU FEEL IMPORTANT.

So my previous boss at my job in Victoria told me, whenever I put in my two weeks notice

"Vince, I wish I had one hundred of you."

I'm told I was not the only one he told that to

but that's ok

I'm in good company

now I've hit my year here in Austin this month

and I've been at the tv station here since December

well the other day I'm walking down the hall past my boss' office

he calls out to me," Hey Vince you got a second?"

"oh oh!" right?

well it wasn't anything bad

he wanted to know if I knew anyone that needed a job

then he went on to tell me how much he's appreciated me

he told me that I was perfect for the job and I've really worked out well

then he was lost for words then said ," well I need another Vince."

hey I guess two bosses can't be wrong

I must be good

just kidding, it's nice to get a complement like that

especially since it's a little colder over here

CALL IT BALANCE OR WHATEVER YOU LIKE

So I've been reading a few books here lately

recently I was at a half price book store over here in Austin

I came across a book about the Devil

I have always wanted to read up on that subject

this book is perfect

so I bought it

a few days later I went back because they have a killer section full of really old books

these are some pretty awesome looking books

they actually look kinda scary

I found one that looked ancient

I was sure it was evil

when I opened it, it was a book about gardening

evil gardening!!!!!!!!

no, just kidding

just gardening

then I came across the most curious book I've ever seen

it was a little book about the size of your hand

the cover was made out of wood

with the spine made out of traditional book material

it really caught my eye

I was sure I was gonna buy it

it was a Holy Bible

so I put it back and continued to look around

I've never owned a bible

and I never want to

but

I ended up buying it because I would never come across a bible like that again

and since I bought it I've begun reading it

along with my book on the devil

I'm reading them at the same time

whatever that's worth

White Girl Drunk

So Paulie the Bear calls me up

he wants to come to Austin to see a band he likes

but Paulie is not the most confident big city driver

so he needed some motivation

I was able to talk him into driving up here

I was really proud of him

so he gets here and we hit the town

man, I got white girl drunk

here's what happened

first we went to a pub because the venue wasn't open yet

Paulie and I got two pints of some really good beer

I only drink about once a week now and had been awake since 3 am

so those two pints kinda hit me pretty early

then we cross the street and go into the club

Paulie goes to the merchandise table

and I go, yes thank you, to the bar

now usually the drinks they serve in these places are in the small clear plastic cups

and they're full price

but we were there so early my drink was pretty big

and it was a glass

later on they switched to small plastic cups

so I kept taking my original glass up to the bar and refilling it

we go and sit with some strangers (they said they were going to leave soon)

now we're sitting around cracking wise and yucking it up

and I must say I was in vintage form

the ol Big V charm was in full effect

they ended up staying cause we were raising hell at that little table

so I'm drinking these drinks like I breath air

I am hammered

we then move to the floor to see the band that paulie likes

by then I had worked the whole club

people kept coming up to me and talking to me

and I danced a few times

this club could tell I was having a blast

and they wanted to get on the ride that I was on

when the band takes the stage a girl says in my ear" do you smoke pot?"

and I say back to her, "I can be talked into it."

then she asks if I can get her a light

I ask a guy next to me then give her the lighter

she lights up her joint and I thought she was gonna pass the joint to me

but instead she locks lips with me and blows the smoke down my throat

she does this twice

I had the guy his lighter back and he laughs

Paulie has no idea what's going on because he's in front of me facing the stage watching the band

damn I bet that looked hilarious

a few minutes later I ask the girl "Hey can I give the guy a hit for letting us use his lighter?"

she says sure and hands me the joint

but it wasn't a joint

ok, stay with me on this

so there's this new device that's a fake cigarette

I've been seeing the commercials at work for these

it's to help people quite smoking

it's for smokers who are craving a cigarette

it produces a smoke like vapor that's harmless

it has a battery and a glowing tip like a real cigarette

but it's kinda bulky

this chick packed it with pot

so she hands me this and I just stare at her

then I say, "What the hell is this?"

she says, "It's a joint."

I purposely give her shit over how ridiculous this looks

and tell her the guy's gonna think I'm messing with him

I'm gonna go over to him with this big fake ass cigarette

saying hey," you wanna get high?"

my eyes all big and a creepy smile

so I go over to him and say, "Hey man you want a hit?"

he does look at it a little weird but takes it anyway

now because it's plastic he sucks on it pretty hard to get the smoke going

and for some reason i'm cheering him on

again Paul misses all of this

so this band is from Norway

and this is the first time they're in Tx

man we rocked that place

I like to think I helped get the crowd going

The band loved us

when they finished I got the whole club chanting "ONE MORE SONG! ONE MORE SONG!"

they did come back and rocked some more

here's a sidenote

whenever a girl falls you automatically help her up and ask," are you ok?"

no matter how fat, skinny, old or young

that's just a rule of life

on the way out I fell so hard a dude helped me up and asked if I was alright

I can see it now

him helping me up with my fake joint bent in my mouth

at the end of the night it was pouring rain

so we sat in the club and waited out the rain

It was already past two and I was under the influence of everything at that point

so I tell Paulie lets just run to the car

he agrees

soaked does not begin to describe how wet we got

I get dropped off and Paulie heads back to Vic

soaking wet

a few days later I called Paulie and he had a cold

F you Johnny Winter

So myself and Sharpie are currently in a contest with Kate the Great, Tyson and Cyrus

Sharpie and I rented a house and so did the Morton trio

so it's house versus house

the contest is for the coolest house set up

the winning house will host the 2010 New Years Eve party

the judges are Carrie, Gentleman, and Raul

we have until November to fix it up the best we can since they're both fixer uppers

I've actually been watering my lawn these past few weeks

I got excited when I saw that there was rain in the forecast

well I am gonna be 35 this year

I guess at some point I would worry about my lawn

just kidding, I only care because I wanna kick the Morton's asses since it's 3 on 2

So I was thinking, I have an awesome picture of Stone Cold that I took

and I've never done anything with it

so I thought I'd blow it up and hang it somewhere in the house if not my room

I'd need to go to Raul's to get the pic cause I have the small version of it

I thought, too bad Raul can't blow it up for me

then I thought of this gem of a story that I had forgotten about

it's the last time I had Raul blow up pictures for me


So it's 1994 and Raul is 19 and I'm 20

we are both in a speech class at Victoria College

one of our assignments is to give a speech using visual aids

of course I go on the last day and wait to the night before to think of my speech

I was really heavy into blues at this time, so I picked that as my subject

to narrow it down I picked the subject of Texas blues using posters of Texas Blues men

I had a book that talked about the subject

Raul worked at the Student Center and said he could blow up the pictures there

So I gave him blue poster boards (for the blues, get it?)

he would make the copies that night and bring them with him to class in the morning

I marked the pictures for him to copy and prepared my speech that night

the next day in class he hands me the posters

I look over them and to my disgust none of them were the pictures I picked

I'm not sure how this happened but I'm sure it was my fault (Raul will never admit to fucking anything up)

He blew up the wrong pictures

so there were only two speeches that day, the last two speeches of the class

I'm on next

now none of my notes are any good

basically I'm being called up and I have a handful of Blues men I know very little about because they're all fucking no name Texas blues men

Luckily one of them is BB King

I do recall while not a Texan, King spent a lot of time in Texas

so I start with him

the rest I make up hoping that none of the students are blues experts

I then flip through the pictures during my speech and then a man by the name Johnny Winters pops up

I hate Johnny Winters

He's an albino white Texas blues guy

he's got a terrible voice and only plays slide guitar

now don't get me wrong I like slide guitar just fine

just not all the time

that's why I love my man Clapton

he gives you just enough slide guitar

he gives you enough of everything

so I unwillingly give my speech on Johnny Winter

anyway I finish my fake speech with fake facts and look to see if I'm being challenged by anyone in the class

everyone is just looking at me and I take my seat

later I get my grade paper

I saw more writing on it than usual

so I'm thinking, shit, she knows I got my facts wrong

but instead it's a comment that reads, " Last year my husband and I went on a cruise and there was a blues night on the boat. Very interesting subject, Vincent. Great speech."

I think I got a B because I kept saying "um"

it could have been worse

I could have kept saying "I guess" at the end of every sentence

I'll have the Stone Cold picture blown up professionally this time

and if I every meet Johnny Winters I'm gonna punch him right in the mouth

then stand over his body while pointing down at him and say," that's for making me do a speech on you in 1994!"

Our First Job of babysitting

So my Goddaughter was born on August 23 2009

Her name is Hayley Claire Bogard

this is my first time being a Godfather

Kate is the Godmother and I'm Co-Godfather with Sharpie

and I'm very proud because I'm with good peoples

I drove to the hospital in Kileen on the Sunday she was born

it was on base there at Ft Hood

I could only stay about an hour but was happy to go and I took a few pictures with my cell phone

A few days later I went back with Kate

We all went out to eat with the Bogards

at the resturant Carrie tells me, " oh hey I, need to look at the pictures you took on your phone to see if I'm wearing my wedding ring."

they haven't been able to find the ring since they were at the hospital

I say sure and Carrie says she'll look after we eat

when we're done we head over to a tattoo parlor where tyler is going to get a new tat

while he's getting signed up, Carrie is feeding little Hayley in the car

so Kate and I go to a sex shop in the same shopping square

we are both looking for the butt plugs, cause we think butt plugs are hilarious

but we can't find them

we do find ... now stay with me on this... a recreation of the gut and pussy area of a fat porn star for you to fuck

I don't think I've ever used that phrase before, "for you to fuck"

ha ha anyway, I couldn't resist

I had to take a picture of it on my phone

Kate and I then split up and looked around

there's dildos, vibrators, porn dvd's, anal beads, fleshlights, blowup dolls, a complete lower section of a man with a hard on in the front for you to hang your hat on and his ass in the back

for you to fuck

anyway, while on the phone with my mom (ha ha ha ha this is true) I find the butt plugs

I hang up and go find Kate

I see Kate and am about to yell, "Kate I found the butt plugs!"

but just then the doors rings open and a woman pops her head in and asks "is it alright if I bring my baby in here?"

no, it's not Carrie (some people have asked me that)

I then see Kate quickly look around for me

when we see each other we have this conversation just with our eyes, "Tuna did you hear that?"

"Yes Cake, I did" (Oh yeah I've been calling Kate, Cake for some reason now)

we both crack up

we then leave and go find Carrie and Tyler and Hayley in the tat shop

while there I show Carrie the picture of the large vagina

she looks at it and laughs

then says," oh hey can I look at those pictures you took at the hospital?"

I then say," yeah just hit down, they're under the fat pussy"

Tyler (who's leaning back in a chair with Haley on his chest) looks up at me and laughs

then they call Tyler over and to begin

Carrie wants to go with him so she asks Kate to watch the baby

I stay too and say I'm there in case a fire or something happens cause Kate has the baby thing under control

So our first babysitting gig was in a tattoo parlor and involved a sex shop, butt plugs, and a fat pussy

and to think, I only have to wait 18 years to tell Haley this story

maybe longer

anyway, welcome to the Family Hayley

Love,
v
Your Godfather

A Sturgis Story

So it's night number four in South Dakota

I've been connected to Raul and Sharpie for the past four days like one of those episodes where we accidently glued ourselfs to each other

and we have been hitting it hard for the past four days thanks to Duper

he kept us on a crazy schedule that started in the morning and ended in the morning

We closed down every bar we went to

at the end of the night it was only the four of us and the people who work in the bar

I don't think I've ever seen the sun come up that many consecutive days in a row

now on our last night we're in the car drinking like we're all 17 again

because we ran out of money and needed to save what we had to get home

we're in the parking lot of the largest bar I've been to in my life

we were gonna call it a night early because Duper had to go back to work the next day and we were tired and broke

he talked us into going to the car and drinking the bottle we had bought earlier because his girlfriend was on her way to meet us this night (the only night she can party with us)

he wouldn't let us leave

when she gets there Duper and Raul are ready to go back into the bar (I can't blame them it was like a phycho circus, this was Sturgis all the way baby)

Sharpie and I stay behind because we actually started having fun just hanging out in the car and we weren't quite drunk yet

now picture this I'm in the front passenger seat and Sharpie is sitting directly behind me in the back passenger seat

we're both gonna rent a house and be roommates officially for the first time

Sharpie starts talking about how excited he is about the house

then he asks something that surprises me

this is how the conversation goes at this point:

Sharpie " Hey Tuna, do you think The Madnes will see our house?"

V "I don't think so Sharpie, he's gonna be pretty busy now and we only have a year before I head off."

Sharpie " How's he doing? Do you talk to him?"

V " Yeah we keep in touch, he's doing fine."

Sharpie " you know something tuna, I think I miss him."

V "Do ya?"

Sharpie " Yeah, it's funny because he wasn't the loudest, the craziest, or the most flashy person around, I always got along with him though. I do miss him."

V " yeah I know what you mean."

we left it at that then headed to this giant bar and proceeded to shut it down

we did not get Duper home early

I Have Never Seen that Before...

my time with the Gentleman is coming to an end real soon

we did 7 months together

Sharpie has already moved in with us and the three of us are all together for this last month

In August Sharpie and I will be roommates

this has been about 4 or 5 years in the making so it's very exciting

with my time being Gentleman's roommate I have to admit

it hasn't been a highlight of my life in any way

it's not Gentleman's fault

he is a funny, quirky guy

it's like having a cartoon as a roommate

it's mostly me

the Gentleman drinks alot and I think I'm starting to curb my wild nights

I've spent more time in my room reading while he has company

I've very particular who I drink with these days

I miss living alone to be honest

also I've been flat broke and that's no fun at all

when you're that broke you have very little options

so you can get stuck being a prisoner in your own house

since Gentleman is in the same boat he's more like a cell mate than a roommate

and like when I was in jail I just want to do my time and get out

again this is so unfair to Gentleman because he was a part of my worst days in Austin

but considering how little we had I guess we made the best of it

I can't say that we clicked that well either

I could never shake the feeling that he was someone else's friend and not mine

I guess there was a degree of unfamliarity

but he does enter that realm of being my roommate now

and it does take a special someone to do that

I'll always treat him like that

going into this new situation with Sharpie is already off to a nice start

Sharpie is family

I kinda have been living with him for the past 5 years anyway

I'm now full time

ha both at my job and with Sharpie

so hopefully the money won't be so tight

and I get weekends off

this will be my last year in TX so I couldn't think of another person, other than my other brother Rube, that I'd rather end it with

so now to tell a story that explains the title:

the other night I was hanging out with Gentleman drinking

we were both completely hammered

I was cracking him up pretty good

at one point he took a drink from his beer and I made him laugh hard

he couldn't swallow his beer

and he didn't want to spit it out

but he was cracking up silently

he had his feet on the table in front of the couch

so his ass was kinda pointing out

he then started farting

and because he was cracking up he was moving up in down like he was laughing

and his farts had pauses in them like they were laughs

I made a grown man laugh out of his ass

I told him I'd never seen that before

when he recovered he said He'd never done that before