Sometimes When You Sleep With Your Landlord...

So file this story under the "less I forget" category

I was reminded of this gem a couple of weekends ago

I never put it in print

as the Joker would say, "Let's rewind the clocks back a year"

...and a half

I had just moved back to Austin

Rube had found me a sweet little efficency on the east side of Austin

I got a job at AT&T

my landlord, Manny was a greaseball of a man

a medium built Mexican man

he always wore bowling shirts

he always was chewing gum

he always had a beer in his hand

and he always wore shades

and looked over the top of them when he spoke to you

he seemed sleezy to me

the first week I moved in he called and invited me to a sports bar

dude, I do not want to party with my landlord

his wife was pretty nice although I forget her name

anyway Manny explained that my neighbor is also starting a job at AT&T

I eventually met her

her name was Liz

I thought well cool, we work together, live next to each other, maybe we could be friends

well I thought wrong

this chick was weird

she had the deepest voice I ever heard

and I'm including men

no one liked her at work

and she wasn't very social

at all

oh well

I had my plate full with all my rowdy friends

I had a different visitor every weekend at that little house

come Christmas time I decided to hang some xmas lights on my fence

meanwhile Liz would tell me how Manny always hit on her

she was always grossed out

then one day she told all of us in the breakroom that she slept with him

we were all blown away

especially me cause I know the slimeball

Liz explained she was trying to get free rent

her husband, yes she's married, was not home and on one of Manny's visits she made the moves

man, you never know what goes on behind closed doors

can you imagine me hanging X-mas lights humming "Sleigh bells ring are you listening?"

then two men moaning,
man one:mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn
man two:ahhhhhhhhhhh
man one:oooooooooooh
man:mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn

I stop hammering and look around

shrug my shoulders thinking "someone is playing street fighter...walking in a winter wonderland."

so for some reason Liz tells her husband what she did

this guy flips out

he makes Liz call the landlord's wife and tell her what happened

the wife goes nuts

not only does Liz not get free rent

but she gets evicted

and Manny and his wife get a divorce

well I'm in this place month to month

I needed to move in Jan

and with deposit for the new place and other bills

I couldn't afford to pay my last months rent

and since I never filled out a contract

there was no legal agreement

so I just walked out without paying my last month's rent

so sometimes when you sleep with you landlord

your neighbor gets free rent

The Best Shit Story I've heard so Far...

and I've heard some great shit stories

but this one cracked me up

and I personally know the offender

but for the protection of the innocent I won't reveal names

so anyway former KAVU weekend meteorologist Kurt Jonston told me a few months ago

he said he was driving around Austin and was feeling the bubble guts

he was cramping something awful

he knew it was not gonna be good

it was the screaming shits

so he needed to find a spot quick

and I won't say where he decided to land his chocolate starfish for legal reasons

so anyways he stops in at the Bookpeople bookstore at 603 North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, TX 78703


he says he stopped there because he knew there was gonna be nice restrooms there

so he's running to the restroom and knows it's gonna be a photo finish

he gets to the restroom and opens a stall door

as he's pulling his pants and shorts down he notices the toilet lid is covered with piss

well he's in full "Backing the big brown motor home out of the garage" mode

and he doesn't have time to pick another stall

so his answer is to shit while hovering over the toilet bowl

the only problem is his aim is off and the pressure was a little greater than expected

so the force of holding in this growler sprayed the back end of the toilet

it immediately makes Kurt laugh and of course makes him bend over further

and the laughing produces some extra firepower

now with his ass pointed higher he is now spaying shit all over the wall behind him

still laughing

and probably gagging a little too

he finishes and cleans up

and gets the hell out of Dodge

now we all know we get grossed out when we see a floater left in a public restroom

can you imagine the poor bastard that walked in on all this shit?

anyway you're welcome

Stone Cold's Twitter Account...

the pic of the sundown was done with my iphone...i couldnt sleep last night so i replaced the battery pack with a new high performance...
dilithium crystal...swapped out the optics with a miniaturized custom Zeiss lens that i resized and interfaced into the iphone casing...
after making the necessary modifications to the autofocusing modulators and then retrofitted a professional grade stabilizer to ensure...
picture clarity and enhance color saturation via a double drop coil transducer that feeds into a highly modified memory chip that i...
tricked out with a 100GB capacity that uses technology that i picked up when i was working on the Hubble space Telescope back when i was...
still working with NASA...anyhoo...long story short...my iphone totally kicks ass...and i am now incorporating a swiss army knife into...
the casing...should be done with that soon...it will probably be the only swiss army iphone with a Dilithium Crystal in existence...
when completed i will sell it on ebay to raise research money for my new laboratory project which is classified as Top Secret. word

he then goes on:
oh no...i think i screwed up..i made the antenna too strong..just got a collect call from Saturn and Jupiter..at least it wasnt from Uranus.

and finally:
morning folks..slept in today until 7..then i heard some noise outside...i count 22 space ships parked in my front yard..gonna check it out.

I'm sorry but that's funny

A Short History of The Great American Beer Off...

Ok so this all started in the Summer of 2006

and it's all thanks to the opening of the HEB plus in V-town

that's all I heard about when it opened

so I got tired of it and told everyone to shut up about the HEB plus

but then someone asked me," Vince have you been to the beer section there?"

I had not

so it was recommended to me to go and visit it

I went and was impressed with the beer selection

then I realized I knew nothing about beer

I had only had MGD,Budweiser and BUd light

what a shame

so since July was around the corner I decided that all through July I would drink a different beer every weekend

I called it the Great American Beer Off

that was five years ago

my how I've grown

I've had Hefenweizens,a lot of Shiner, dark beers, pale ales, German beers, lagers, IPA's,Mexican, homemade beers, American, Irish,Japanese, Jamacian, a lot of the Sam Adams...etc

if the som bitch has wheels I can drive it now

so this July starts the 5th Beer Off

and I've got quite the plan for this year

it all starts with the kickoff July 3rd