I Didn't Do That on Purpose

SO I was reminded of two non-related strip club stories recently:

I don't frequent strip clubs much

but when I do it's a Dos Equis

what?

oh that's some of the most intersting man in the world there

by the way

I'm trying to become the second most interesting man in the world

anyway strip joints

I don't really like them

especially if you're single

that's like going to the zoo because you have no pets

so a few years ago I went to one in Victoria

I mean the ONLY one in Victoria

I was with a bunch of dudes

I was the first one at the bar

I ordered my drink and picked out a place to sit

while the guys were all still at the bar ordering

this place had nothing but chairs with wheels as feet on the floor

I guess it makes it easy for the girlies to move around for the pandering

well the chair I picked had a bad wheel

actually I almost fell because the back wheel slipped off and I tilted to the side a little

but I nimble like cat

so I stood up, put the wheel back on and moved the chair next to me

well all the guys come over and begin to sit down

I know you all know what happens now

so one guy comes and sits in the bad chair next to me

we all begin to talk while he sits down

he falls

ugly

all I see is him falling completely backwards

his drink spilling high and out

he actually lands on his neck

I didn't do that on purpose

so a few years later I'm at another strip joint

so we all go to sit down

well the chair I picked had a bad wheel

actually I almost fell because the front wheel slipped off and I tilted to the side a little

but I nimble like cat

so I stood up, put the wheel back on and moved the chair next to me

a little later (during lap dance time)

one of the whores comes over to me and asks if anyone is sitting in that chair

you know THAT chair

I say no

she takes it and wheels it over to the dude right next to me

it's her prop

we all watch her and she starts grinding on the chair

then she puts all her weight on it

stomach on the back of the chair

her hands on the arms of the chair

there she is

rocking like a hurricane

and she falls

hard

but she falls into the dude she's dancing for

I wondered if the guy even noticed

that idiot still threw 20 bucks at her way

and the dj makes the anouncement "Sid we have a nother dead stripper on the floor"

and on the way to the restroom I lean in on the mic and say "and I didn't do that on purpose"

Crime Doesn't Have an Address and Your Tits Won't Quit

So I went in to sign my lease

the apartment manager sat down with me and I noticed the massive cleavage spilling out of her blouse

and she was wearing that one blouse where the button is dead center of the cleavage

straining to keep those fun bags from splilling out all over the place

it reminded me of Miss Elizabeth's job in the Mega Powers


just replace Liz with a button

and Hulk and Randy with real boobs instead of the boobs they are

ZING!

anywho, when she sat down her tits were level with the table

actually one of her tits was holding a page down

while the other one was pointing to the important clauses of the lease

then I swear to God

a third one handed me a pen to sign the lease

then she gave me some speech on the security gate and crime

at one point she said, "Crime doesn't have an address"

I didn't hear all of the speech because I was staring at her breasts

but that last line caught my attention

and I'm pretty sure she caught me checking out her "girls"

so it kinda went like this

Her: "blah blah blah blah...crime has no address."
pause
Me-shakes head
"I'm sorry what?"

Anybody Want a Season Three Update?

it's still not ready

ha ha ha

now just to let you guys know

anytime I'm at Raul's house I try to get him to work on it

but he's always drunk!!

or hung over

so I kinda took it upon myself to work on it a little bit

so my days off are Monday and Tuesday

while Raul goes off to work I'm at his house trying to add the finishing touches on this thing

what I've done is gone through all of his videos and picked out some clips here and there that showcases us at our best ( or worse) that will be thrown in between the chapters

when Raul got home I showed him the clips I picked that needed to be edited down

he said "it's too early in the week to be watching this."

then he said he was getting a headache while watching them

you see what I have to work with?

next I'm trying to create a mosaic style chapter for Pink Floyd's Wish You were here

I've gone through the hundreds and hundreds of pictures that Raul has selecting the best pics that goes with this chapter

I've cropped them and they are all gonna be on screen all at once comic book style

u guys are gonna love this one

we were trying to work on the dissolves but Raul's computer crashed and he didn't save it

then he never tried to do it again

so that's when I went and started picking out the definitive pictures and crop them myself

this is my case

My point in writing this is so Raul might read this and get a fire lit under his ass

because this is all true and we are waiting patiently for this

also,

because this is the absolute final Season

with that said I have a project that I am working on

I'm gonna start V-logging

to compliment my written blogs

I've already started getting some pretty good stuff on my HD camera

I'm gonna keep rolling all Fall and Winter

then edit them so I'll have a few episode ready to go

they'll come out in 2011

I asked for some help in naming it

I got some decent ones but some really terrible ones

let's see

Paulie wanted me to call it "The V-deos"
Kevin at work said "Life on the V List"
Duper's was "After Hours"
I can't remember whose was "The Whiskey Diaries"

I kinda like that one

in the end I named it

Big V TV

so stay tuned

but before I release them we have to finish Season three

don't worry kids

it will be well worth the wait

trust me

The Beer Off 5 is Over

I'm ending this years Beer off early

theres a couple of reasons

number one I'm moving this weekend

I'll be moving in with my sister while my brother and I wait for our place to open up

the Tuna/Sharpie roommate chapter is over

second I think I found the beers I'm gonna drink the rest of the Summer

St Arnold's Lawnmower and Summer Pils were phenominal

these beers are so great, I'm just gonna stop right here

plus the Clapton concert at the movies was so much fun

it was the perfect bookend to the Beer off kick off

here's some highlights:
Kate, Gentleman, Tyson and myself let some man into Raul's house while he was at work

the dude was selling some meat but wanted to get high in the back yard

when Kate asked me if I think that's alright I told her,

"when I'm in town, we go by Den rules...anything goes."

Raul came home and the dude did his pitch

then asked for a beer

Kate participated in the Beer off by trying the best beer I've had this season

Raul busted out with flasks for all of us for the movies

his mom would hide these things and he kept buying new ones

when he got his house his mom gave them all back

now he presented them and we all picked them out like we were picking our own lightsabers

I was reunited with mine that I haven't used in about 14 years

we went to the movies and we were all packing flasks

we rocked the theater

we got the theater to clap and get down

we booed John Mayer and I went nuts when I saw Johnny Lang

and we just flat out walked out when Jeff Beck took the stage

Clapton invited alot of Tyson and Kate's favs and I think they were pleasantly surprised

I was impressed with Gary Clark Jr and Citizen Cope

Sheryl Crow and Robert Randolph's little songs were pretty cool too

Kate was in vintage form

I had heard rumors that Clapton and Winwood were gonna play Voodoo Chile

that's the song that never ended when we went to see them in Houston

I told Kate if they played it I was gonna throw my shoe at her

when Clapton brought Steve Winwood on stage

Kate reached over and took my shoes off and held them

I watched the last part without shoes on

drinking out of a flask

and Kate and I held hands for the entire last song

classic

anyway, best beer off EVER!!!

These are the beers for week 3

St Arnolds Summer Pils tied as the best beer of the Beer Off 5
St Arnolds Lawnmower the other tied beer as best of 5

A Giant Stunner

So while at the track last night this memory came to me

I figure I should write it down:

Now, if you spend any quality time with me

you'll know I'm prone to lose my temper from time to time

I've been like this since I was a kid

most people just let it pass

it usually does after about 24 to 48 hours

but confusing me also seems to work

like the time I lost my temper at the tent party

Raul and Tyson both took off their shirts and began posing next to me like they were strippers

Raul then sat on my lap to further calm me down

then there was the time when I lived with Gentleman James

one night I went off crazy mad

to calm me down Gentleman began kissing me repeatedly

on the lips

I stopped in my tracks and calmly said,"Please stop kissing me."

I remember Gent's friend Paul was there as well as my fav roomie The Madnes

Paul said he looked at E while this was going on

he said, "your friend has a pretty good poker face, he had no expression."

I told him, "well, he did live with me for a few years, he's seen me put through all kinds of abuse."

and being kissed by a giant is abuse

now let me set the stage for this one

I believe it was Dec '08

I had a group over to my little efficiency

we were packed in that one room shack and somehow I lost my temper

so Gentleman comes up behind me and grabs my hands and starts to sing the song "Unchained Melody"

yes just like this:


except we were both standing

yet again the power of confusion worked

I stopped in my tracks and just let him do his thing

I thought "mmmmm this is nice."

it worked

but for only 8 minutes

because then I snapped out of it

I reached high above my head

I grabbed the back of his head

held his head over my shoulder

and fell down on my ass

yes folks

I gave him a Stone Cold Stunner



a giant stunner

now the funny thing is

he later told me that he humoured me by taking the stunner

but what he wasn't expecting was the spring-like effect his body would have

because he was bent over and was brought to a stop by the impact

the rebound made him bounce up and back

he lost his balance and actually fell backwards

he told me he thought to himself,"whoa, I'm actually going down!"

and that my friends is the story of why Steve Austin is a six time world champion

Strike Now, While the Iron is Hot...

So a short bit after I bought my Hd cam(which I love by the way thanks for asking)

I started taking pics of some murals here in Austin

I showed them to my friend at work, Kevin

Kevin is a smart chap

well rounded and well traveled at least in mind if not body

hmm that sounds like a famous quote I once heard

anywho, I dig people like that so I always shut my mouth and listen when he speaks

well, Kevin is an artist and a writer and a generally creative cat

I showed him my pics and he liked them

then he told me about his favorite street artist

a man that calls himself Banksy

he's a British graffiti artist

his identity is unknown

now I'm not gonna pretend to know or say that I love graffiti

personally I don't

they're like tatoos to me

I haven't seen one yet that impressed me

but this guy's stuff is great

go check some of it out here

http://www.banksy.co.uk/

and for those of you who couldn't be bothered to do so here are some examples and some of my favorites:




now it just so happends that a documentary came out this year involving Banksy

it's been at the draft house and I've been meaning to go see it but never did

then it was gone

well I was looking in the paper and noticed that it was playing at the Dobie theater this Friday (yesterday)

now the Dobie theater is cool

that's a bit of an understatement

it's kind of an artsey theater

there are four screens,each with a different theme

Egyptian, French Tudor, Gargoyle Gothic and Space-Age Art Deco

I've only been in the Egyptian room 10 years ago to watch American Psycho

this one was playing in the Gargoyle Gothic

when I bought my ticket and walked in the room

it was almost pitch black

the only light was a few red lights in the ceiling

you couldn't even see the seats

all you could see were the gargoyles along the wall

I thought "this is freakin cool"

turns out the print of this movie is really weird

the cues are strange and it sometimes flips out

and it affects the lights

so the house lights were turned off

the attendant told us that after she appologized for us coming into this spooky room

already I'm loving this experience

so here's the premise of the flick:

a French filmmaker takes an interest in street artists and becomese fasinated with Banksy

He attempts to include Banksy in his documentary

however Banksy turns the tables on him and makes him the focus of the film

that's a very simple explination to a very amazing story

this might be my new favorite movie

def my favorite documentary

it has the Big V seal of approval

run, don't walk to go see this flick

Exit Through the Giftshop is what it's called

Beer, Beer Everywhere...

The Beer Off is under way!

this blog will be updated throughout the month

WEEK ONE
all I have to say for the kickoff is...awesome

that event started a little ripple

who knows what that one ripple will turn into

the amount of people and outsiders that came together out of the curious factor was impressive

I got this text from Raul 4 days after the party:
"We had some damn great times this last weekend. My compliments on the line of entertainment u provided."

considering he hates to feed my ego, for him to send that is huge

anywho, these were the two new beers for that night:
Abbey Belgian Style Ale

Weihenstephaner
WEEK TWO
tonight is back to the original beer off

it's back to just me alone trying new beers

here they are:
Celebrator Dopplebock

Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier

and here's tonight's entertainment a double feature:

I think I might need a third beer
oh hell yeah!

so these were added to week one:

Mothership Wit
Dead Guy Ale

I had the Dead Guy Ale with my bro, Rube

he joined me in this new beer

funny story

we were at a ritzy resturant and ordered the Dead Guy ale

someone walked by to check on us and said

you guys ordered the... then he mumbled something we couldn't understand

so we just said yes

when he left I asked Rube, "What did we order?"

Rube just laughed

well after we waited forever, Rube asks the waiter

"what's taking so long, we just ordered beer."

the guy said you didn't order the antelope kabobs

we just looked at each other

then said "the what?"

the waiter said again "antelope kabobs"

I'm thinking "what the F is this guy saying to us?"

so we said "no, we ordered two Dead guy Ales"

they apologize and bring us our beer and the kabobs on the house

so there's the plate and for some reason Rube was hesitant to try some

he asks if I'm gonna try it

I told him, "You know me, I can't eat and drink."

so he asks "is it ok to eat this?"

I said "meat is meat"

then I told him I went to a hunter's bbq

there was all kinds of meat there and it all tasted the same to me

he had some but didn't like it

I think he couldn't get the idea of a reindeer out of his head

later we went to a hooka bar

and I smoked a hooka with him

we were cracking up about how we must look

then I cracked him up by holding the pipe of the hooka and saying "tell me more about this.."

paused

took a puff

pffft

"beer off"

man he lost it

also Rube's co-worker is learning sign language

Rube taught me the sign for love

we kept doing that all night

I told him in sign I love drinking

i didn't know the sign for drinking so i just lifted my hand like a glass and drank out of my thumb

Rube cracked up

later we were listening to people karaokeing

and some fat chick was tearing it up

Rube signed that he loved it

man I cracked up

it was great times with RED