A Series of Incidents

-THE ABBA INCIDENT-

So I was at a bar with my brother, Rube

it was karaoke night

my brother wanted to sing

we grabbed the book, and as usual it was taking forever to pick just the right one

while looking at the songs, my brother asked me," what about an Abba song?"

he wanted to do "Take a Chance on Me"

I'd be lying if I told you I didn't know Abba

and sorta know that song

after all I am his brother

actually not only have I heard that song

I was there back in the day that Erasure did a cover

so I reluctantly said yes

what the hell, I can sing back up and the words are on the screen

so as the night went on, my brother had signed up for a few songs before that one

so he and I went up there here and there

now came time for the Abba song

we both went up and were ready to go when the dj told my brother,"Hey buddy you've been up here too much, why don't you sit this one out."

all I could do was watch my brother jump off the stage and go sit down

now I'm solo on the stage and the intro to the Abba song is starting

it felt like I was on a roller coaster leaving the station and I wanted off but it was too late

a rinestone studded roller coaster that is

I immediately  panicked screamed to the crowd, "Does anybody know this song?'

some chick yelled back ," yeah I do!"

I told her ,"Well get over here...please!!!"

she did

and by her saying she knew the song

she meant she only knew the chorus

and let me butcher the song all on my own

as I looked out at the crowd

all I could see was my brother sitting against the wall

laughing his ass off

sorry Abba

-THE GOLDEN CORAL INCIDENT-



This one comes out of a conversation I had with Paulie D. Bull last night

now if you've ever been with me for an extended period of time then you'd see I have strange eating habits

that is, I don't really eat

and If I do sometimes it's just a can of cold beans like Rorschach

but on occasion, depending how hung over I am, or if I've been working for hours in the sun with a 5 alarm hang over, I need to eat a lot of meat

sometimes the only place you can get that fix is at a buffet

I don't really go to buffets alone a lot

because of this very reason,

so I'm at my table eating my plate of assorted meats

when I see a family of four walk in

all four of them are obese

the mom, dad, the son and the daughter

in my head I'm thinking "now see, this is why I don't come in these places."

then another voice in there says, "well, keep coming here alone and you'll be one of them."

then I say,"hey shut up! I'm doing you a favor by feeding you all of this meat."

before I can argue back I'm thinking now, "oh man, they're coming over here."

and sure enough here they come, wading around the fat on their thighs

and they set their stuff down at the table right next to me

then they turn themselves loose on the buffet

when they get back they're holding what is clearly a two plate job, packed on one plate

now these people are so fat that when they sit down I feel like I'm sitting with them

and they're all weird

for example,

the dad was a mouth breather and had a wet cough

and he coughed the entire time

at one point it got so loud that I actually looked over at him

not to see if he needed help

I think I was trying to give him the cancer

The kids were bickering the entire time

Paulie by the way got the kids just right

the boy-dressed in a bugs bunny t-shirt

the girl wearing the inappropriate pink spaghetti straps top

mmmmmmmmmmmmm spaghetti (what she's probably thinking if she could read this)

and the mom was the only one yelling at the kids

because the dad was too busy swallowing flem and macaroni to speak

I finished up my plate and left

good thing too because that family was so close to me,

I might have left with them

-THE EARLY SHOW INCIDENT-

So let me set the stage for you

I woke up one day at around 3pm

started drinking at around 5

went out

did not sleep and went to work at 5am

during the 6am early morning show I closed my eyes for a second

when I opened them it was a hour later

and I had missed an entire hour of breaks

I swear it felt like a blink

I know I'm in trouble because I have cost this station so much money up to this point

somewhere in the field of 12 to 15 thousand dollars

I should be at the bottom of a lake somewhere

so I'm thinking, "Well I can't say that I fell asleep, where was I for an hour? I'll just say I over slept and was two hours late."

also when I was asleep

I missed a vital delivery

my supervisor came in to see if we got the package

I told him I missed it

he got pissed

and stormed off to his office

I followed him and told him

and I was two hours late and missed a whole hour of breaks

he just stared at me and said, "sit down."

we talked about it and he pointed out that we are currently in sweeps

and although it is a big deal, the bosses are going to make it a very big deal

but he told me, "don't worry, we're not going to fire you. You'll probably get written up."

he then goes on to tell me despite all the mistakes I've made I still don't have even one write up

so Monday comes and I get a call at 5 in the morning

the am person did not show up and they were left hanging

so I got up and went in

thinking, well this should help me a little

that afternoon I went in and talked to my boss

and he had the saddest look on his face

he said, "Vince they want me to write you up."

"I don't want to do it."

I told him, "I understand, believe me, this has been a long time coming.'

he laughed and told me why he's never written me up before

he likes me

bottom line

and he said if that station wasn't having so many problems in other departments and we weren't in sweeps I would have gotten away with this one too

but I don't want special treatment

If I mess up I want to face the consequences

I think it's only fair

I just have to work a little harder than other people to get in trouble