The Forgotten Blog

So due to a series of events I have been reminded of the fall carnival of 2007

this is a great forgotten story that has never been put in blog form

it's a good one

and it's all true

Ok so it's October 2007

Paul had mentioned that in Port Lavaca there is a fall carnival

for some reason I was all about it

I was stupid about going to this fall fun fare

but as usual I had double booked myself the sat that it came to town

I was supposed to co-host the Three Man Ego Trip's Dark Side of the Rainbow Halloween Party at the Den's backyard

but I didn't want to cancel the carnival

So during the Day I set up the back yard and in the early evening I called Raul and The Madness and invited them

So we drive to Port Lavaca and meet Paulie at the carnival

Erik mentions to me that he's been to theme parks but never to a carnival

I couldn't believe it

What a treat!!

ha ha just kidding

so when we get there me and Madness buy some tickets for the rides

I notice Raul and Paulie didn't buy any

so I called them on it

they said they don't ride rides

so Madness and I proceed to ride the rides

the first one was a hang gliding type ride

to ride it you had to lie on your stomach with you ass exposed in the air

Erik said, "I don't like this."

it held three people and after a while a little kid joined us


while waiting I joked that a doctor walks up behind us with a chart and asks, "Which one of you is Vincent?"

then I said, "What you can't tell?"

Erik laughed and reminded me there was a little boy next to me

after that one we get on a ride that swings like a pendulum until you're completely upside down

you know, this one:


as you can see me and Madness sit right up front

behind us is a mother and her little boy

after the ride starts and we start to build up speed and are almost upside down the little boy says, "I'm scared, I don't like this!"

then he says the four words you do not want to hear on a carnival ride

"I'm gonna throw up!"

I can just imagine how awful it would be to have vomit added to the craziness of this ride

it wasn't gonna happen on my shift

so I started to yell at the little boy

I said, "Bullshit you're not gonna throw up!"

I continued, "this is a carnival, it's supposed to be fun!"

and I continued to yell at him until the ride came to stop

and he did not throw up

when we got off the ride and I looked at the kid and told him good job

after that I talk Paulie into coming into the fun house with us

he agreed

then I talked him into going on that really big slide that looks like a wavy line going up and down

you use an old sack to slide down it

you have to climb a lot of stairs and I underestimated how high the slide was

and I forgot that Paulie is afraid of heights

so now Madness and myself are positioned to slide down

Paulie is at his spot but he won't sit down

he's afraid he's gonna slip

so for some reason he takes off his shoes and now is in his socks

Erik calls him out on that logic

in the video you can see me shaking my head because I'm thinking that Paulie is thinking," I don't like this."

but Paulie does rise to the occasion and sits down and goes down the slide

ok so times ticking and we have plenty of tickets so Erik and I decided to ride one more ride

it's a parasol ride

you know a little seat with an umbrella thing on top

so everything is going fine

the ride is going on in a circular path

Erik and I are cracking jokes

all of a sudden the ride comes to a halt

then it starts to reverse the direction

from clockwise to counter clockwise

this completely fouls up Erik's equilibrium

he says, "I don't like this."

those are his last words

he looks like he's gonna puke

so I start yelling at him

"This is supposed to be fun."

ha ha ha no I didn't say that

I was telling him if he was gonna puke then puke over the side

and I gave him a little nudge

he said I was not helping

and was close to spilling his cookies

then he looked down and saw Raul with the camera ready just waiting to capture the moment

Erik said he thought to himself, "Oh, hell no, Raul is not gonna get me puking."

this is as close as he got:


he fought it and we got through that one

well with all this fun it was time to go

on the way out I yelled at Raul and Paulie

"Thank god Erik was here, if not I would have rode all those rides by myself."

Paulie said, "Hey I got on two rides."

then I yelled, "The fun house is not a ride!"

good times

You're Standing Before Two Different Doors...

So Carrie is out of the Army

her four years came and went

Her Husband Tyler is out as well this month

Carrie's baby, my Goddaughter is about three months old

right now they live in Kileen Tx

and they are a quaint nice family with quite time for the baby

Now picture a blues bar deep on the east side of Austin TX

that's the bad part of town

but this place is jumping with the blues

the bar is called TC's and they have live blues every monday night

it's one of the few places I've seen where the dance floor is packed more than the bar side of the place

I got invited by none other than Mer one night

so let me explain this bar

it's old,dark,dirty,scary and fun as hell

when I first went I was hella early

the owners were all old black people

I felt like I was the only one at a wedding reception while everyone was still at the church

the killer is they let you bring your own bottle

they sell the cokes for about a buck

if everyone pitches in you can buy a decent size bottle and drink for about a dollar

it doesn't hurt that I'm heavy into this particular brand of rum called Sailor Jerry's

I bought and killed three of these bottles in one week

also the people that own the bar cook and serve it for free

the clientele for this bar are young white college kids

it's funny, all these white kids jumping and bopping to the blues

the first night there I was dancing with Mer

when I went to go sit down I heard someone shout my name

when I looked to see who it was it was Kurt Johnston

he was the weekend weather guy

it was him on weather, super duper as the anchor and Daniel Holdege on sports

so he joined us and we had one hell of a night

that led me buying and killing four bottles of Sailor Jerry's

so here's the problem

I'm getting a little worried about the rate at these bottles get bought and killed

I try to tell myself that I've slowed down, which I have

I really really have slowed down a great deal

the thing is that that monster is still inside and can still come out

even now

it's not hard at all for me to still out drink, out play, and out last all these suckas around me

even in this slowed down period

I love going to this blues bar but I've made arrangements for me to drive to Kileen on Mondays and watch Monday NIght Raw with the Bogart family

I reckon it's about time to get back into wrestling since Mania season is around the corner

and I want to get to know my GodDaughter

you know develop a bond with her

and this is better for me

but I'm not done with this blues bar

I'll be back

with that said I've got a great story about the time I took my brother Erick and Beautiful Bobby:

when we get there the place is packed

so we park on the street

while crossing, a car comes veering around a corner and actually speeds up when he sees us in the middle of the street

we all run like hell and the car even swerves it seems to try to hit us

Erick drops his keys in the road and actually stops to grab them

we're all yelling as he grabs them and the car speeds past

turns out they were cops

we get inside and the place is jumping

I see Kurt and I say hello

Kurt is wasted and slurring

while talking to me he hits my cup and spills a full drink all over the floor

my crew sees this and give me hell all night about spilling my drink

I keep telling them I didn't and that it was Kurt over and over again

so we finally get a table and while talking I hit my glass and spill a full drink on me

"Ok,that one was my fault this time."

we sit next to a nice black lady named Claire

she tells us how much she loves this place

during last call a black man clearing the table asks me for a shot from my bottle

I give him one

he continues on but before he walks away he turns to me and says, "that's alright! Say man what is that?"

I tell him, "Sailor Jerry's. Yeah it's good, I should know, I'm wearing it."

on the way out I see more people that I know

then Erick tells us he lost his keys

I tell whoever i'm talking to goodbye because we're on the bad side of town late at night, drunk and stranded now

I tell here this is gonna be a long night

so now we're where the cops almost ran us over looking for the keys

there's all kinds of drug dealers and bums looking too

so now it's a race find the keys before the bums do

just then that nice lady Claire comes over to us and asks us what we were looking for

we tell her the keys and she pulls them out of her pocket

so we just assume she pick pocketed erick somehow

when we're leaving some guy asks if we want to buy some hydro

rube and erick bite

me and Bobby are in the car now talking about this night's highlights

and I point out that at this point of the story we're in the middle of a drug deal

so Rube opens the door and asks me if I have any money

I tell him 20 dollars

he asks the guy what does he have for 20 dollars

the dude says, "I'll give ya something for 20 dollars"

so he hands them a little baggie and we drive off

Erick opens it and says," man, it's grass."

and I say,"you mean it's not hydro?"

he says" no, it's grass like you mow your grass, grass."

they gave this guy 20 of my monies for fucking actual grass

well the guy did say "I'll give ya something for 20 dollars"

The Ballad of Cash Money

So two months ago my roommate comes up to me and asks "What would you say if I told you I want to get a dog?"

I told him to go for it

I really had no reason to deny him that dog

plus I'm thinking of getting a dog when I move out of Texas

the next day he comes home with a dog, Cash

he's a mix of German Shepard and Lab

awesome dog

he got it from the Petsmart that's in the shopping center that he works at

I did my part and walked the dog when Sharpie was at work or just wasn't home

I didn't want an accident in the house

I ended up spending a lot of time with Cash at the house when my roommate was out

My roommate asked how I liked having a dog

I told him I changed my mind about owning a dog

I didn't want one anymore

they rely on people too much

but the night of the Acl festival Cash kept me company while everyone was out

we both sat on the porch and I put some speakers outside and drank beer

Cash never tried to run off

Cash had a little peeing problem whenever he would get excited

it started to upset Sharpie and Sharpie got tired of it

he told me he was thinking about taking Cash back

I was a little disappointed to hear that cause I was getting attached to Cash

but it never happened

I go on a lot of hikes and at these spots there are dogs all around

so I started taking Cash with me

he would ride in the back of Smokey

he loved it

I would say, "Cash you wanna go play?"

Cash would jump off the couch and start to do a little dance by the door and make a little yelping noise and get crazy excited

these were off the leash parks and Cash loved them

he would run around like a race dog

most of them were trails in the woods with creeks and plenty of shallow swimming holes

Cash played so well with all the other dogs and I would get complements how cool he was

there was one spot that I was training him to swim

he was doing pretty good

there was this one dog park that had a long cement wall that you could sit on while you watch your dog play

Cash would play with the dogs but occasionally would come over and sit next to me

I would put my arm around him while we both sat there and watch the dogs

when it was time to leave he would look for Smokey

one time he jumped on the back of someone's car then jumped into the bed of Smokey

Cash started to sleep with me every night

he was getting attached

it got to the point that he would only sleep with me

I thought Sharpie was ok with the fact that Cash liked me

Sharpie said one night, "Tuna, I don't know what Cash is gonna do when you leave."

So Cash has gotten out more than once but the cool thing is he came back on his own

except one time

he was gone overnight

Sharpie placed a call to a service that finds lost dogs

they found him

Cash was back

but he had a cough

and it wasn't going away

so Sharpie said he was taking Cash to the vet

but in two days Cash was no where to be found

and I missed my buddy Cash

I had a gut feeling that Sharpie took him back where he got him from

but in the two days Sharpie said nothing

so Saturday morning I woke up and went over to the Petsmart where Sharpie got him

with the intention of adopting Cash and back

I saw the little playpens that they put the dogs in but I didn't see Cash

I went up to talk to the lady and told her my situation

she said that Sharpie did bring Cash back and that he was at another Petsmart but she didn't know which one

she gave me a card that had a website that will tell me which store Cash was at

so I drove to the TV station to use one of their computers

I found him at a store up north

when I got there I saw Cash but he was out of the kennel and was on a leash with a couple of guys holding the leash

so I got out of the truck and watched from a distance

I saw the lady filling out some paper work

so I'm thinking well he got adopted and I was too late

then I see them give her Cash back and she puts him back in the playpen

the two dudes drive off

so maybe they changed their minds

So I went over there to ask the lady

Cash saw me and stood up and started wagging his tale and doing that little excited dance and started yelping

I went over to pet him and he was very happy to see me

but he was looking at me like, c'mon let's go, get me out of here, lets
go play!

I went over to the lady and asked if those people adopted that dog

she said they sure did, they left to get the money

she said there were plenty of dogs left she would love to show me

I told her my story

she was sad to hear it

then I told her that I was gonna go over and say goodbye to Cash

that was really hard to do

I went back over to him he was even more excited

I knelt down and talked to him

he was licking my hand while I said goodbye

I stood up and walked away

I gave her my number in case the deal fell through but she said those people loved that dog

I'm sure that Sharpie has his reasons for giving up the dog and I'm sure it wasn't easy for Sharpie either

I'm not mad but I am surprised how attached I got to that dog

it caught me off guard and it actually hurt

He wasn't my dog

But Cash taught me how to own a dog

thank you Cash Money

The Clusterfuck

So this happend the Friday of the Acl fest in Austin TX

I knew that Raul, Kate, Tyson, Raul's brother and the brother's wife were all going to the festival

Sharpie and I did not get tickets

The headliners for that friday show were The Kings of Leon

so I knew all of these people were coming up to see the show so I organized a plan B for myself

I got in touch with my brother Rube a few days before the event

I asked if he was going to the show and he said no

So I said," let's hang out friday since everyone is going but you and me."

he agreed

now fast forward to friday

I get a text from raul that reads, "Katie (his brother's wife) is sick and can't go so my brother is out too/now I have two extra tickets you wanna go?"

so I replied "well I made plans with Rube and I don't want to cancel/let me see if he wants to go with"

Raul replies "ok let me know"

so I call Rube and give him the news

so Rube tells me to hold those tickets and he'll let me know

he wants to see if he can get an extra ticket for his friend eric so we can all go

so he calls me back and asks if the tickets are still a go

I ask Raul and he says yes

so I tell Rube

so Rube buys an extra ticket for his friend

then I call Raul and to tell him me and Rube are both in

NOW raul tells me he also sent the invite to Sharpie

I did not know this

so now three people want to go and there are only two tickets

so I tell Raul that Rube bought an extra ticket so the right thing to do is give Rube my ticket and Raul will take Sharpie and Rube

Raul doesn't care

So Kate calls me and asks whats going on

I give her the update

she spent the night at our house the day before and said she talked to Sharpie and said sharpie was feeling sick and will not be able to go to the concert and that I was going

so I call Sharpie to see what the deal is

he has no idea what Kate is talking about and he still wants to go

so now I'm getting pretty pissed and I'm done with all of this

Sharpie then tells me to go

by this time I'm so worked up that I won't be able to enjoy the show so I tell him to go

I go home and pick up Rube's ticket

I drop it off at Rube's job and he thinks I'm still going

I tell him that I'm going early and that I'll meet up with him later

I didn't want him to know that I'm not going because he wouldn't take the ticket

so finally everyone is gone and I have the house to myself

Rube eventually finds out I'm not at the show and is pretty shocked

now everyone is wondering if I'll be home when they're done with the show

Raul I understand tells them you never know with me

I'll either be there or I won't

I was drinking at my house and enjoying my own company

I get a call from a very drunk raul

he didn't even stay long enough to see the Kings

he left cause he wanted to go to a bar

and he left everyone there

that pissed me off

then around midnight everyone is calling

for a while I was waiting for all of them to come home

but they were all so drunk that I couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone when they were coming home

and they would not stop calling

I was done with this day

by one in the morning I went to my room and locked my door

I heard them come in but by this time I could care less who lived or died

within 30 minutes all was quite

so I left my room and went around the house

they were all laid out asleep

it looked like there was a gas leak in the house and it claimed 4 lives that night

I laughed and went back to my room

in the morning they all came into my room

I asked how the show went

they said it was cool but they wished I was there

I told them don't worry

I've already seen the kings and I had a great time

and I got to go with my favorite person in the world

they all kinda got quite

I love doing that to them

Sturgis Trip

THE BEST THERE IS, THE BEST THERE WAS, AND THE BEST THAT THERE EVER WILL BE

I'm not talking about Bret Hart

I'm talking about Bret Hart's entrance

so I was reading on the dirt sheets (you know the Internet rumor sites)

Bret Hart has been in talks with the WWE to come back

now I'm not going to get my hopes up or hold my breath

but I was talking to Paulie and gave him my reasons why Bret has to come back

the number one on my list was the WWE has been teasing us by playing his entrance

with him not being there too many times

you can't do that to a human being

this has happened to my knowledge about three times

Twice are because of Shawn boooooo

then Sargent Slaughter when he was the guest host on Raw this year, what was up with that?

at some point you have to deliver the Hitman

I also pointed out that Bret's entrance now has made more appearances on Raw than Bret has

how am I supposed to deal with that as a fan?

once, I'd like to see what it would be like to see that entrance and actually see him walk out to it

just one more time...

one more time...

and I promise I won't ask for anything for Christmas

IT'S NICE TO BE IMPORTANT, BUT IT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO BE NICE. AND IT'S NICE TO GET A COMPLEMENT FROM YOUR BOSS AND THAT MAKES YOU FEEL IMPORTANT.

So my previous boss at my job in Victoria told me, whenever I put in my two weeks notice

"Vince, I wish I had one hundred of you."

I'm told I was not the only one he told that to

but that's ok

I'm in good company

now I've hit my year here in Austin this month

and I've been at the tv station here since December

well the other day I'm walking down the hall past my boss' office

he calls out to me," Hey Vince you got a second?"

"oh oh!" right?

well it wasn't anything bad

he wanted to know if I knew anyone that needed a job

then he went on to tell me how much he's appreciated me

he told me that I was perfect for the job and I've really worked out well

then he was lost for words then said ," well I need another Vince."

hey I guess two bosses can't be wrong

I must be good

just kidding, it's nice to get a complement like that

especially since it's a little colder over here

CALL IT BALANCE OR WHATEVER YOU LIKE

So I've been reading a few books here lately

recently I was at a half price book store over here in Austin

I came across a book about the Devil

I have always wanted to read up on that subject

this book is perfect

so I bought it

a few days later I went back because they have a killer section full of really old books

these are some pretty awesome looking books

they actually look kinda scary

I found one that looked ancient

I was sure it was evil

when I opened it, it was a book about gardening

evil gardening!!!!!!!!

no, just kidding

just gardening

then I came across the most curious book I've ever seen

it was a little book about the size of your hand

the cover was made out of wood

with the spine made out of traditional book material

it really caught my eye

I was sure I was gonna buy it

it was a Holy Bible

so I put it back and continued to look around

I've never owned a bible

and I never want to

but

I ended up buying it because I would never come across a bible like that again

and since I bought it I've begun reading it

along with my book on the devil

I'm reading them at the same time

whatever that's worth

White Girl Drunk

So Paulie the Bear calls me up

he wants to come to Austin to see a band he likes

but Paulie is not the most confident big city driver

so he needed some motivation

I was able to talk him into driving up here

I was really proud of him

so he gets here and we hit the town

man, I got white girl drunk

here's what happened

first we went to a pub because the venue wasn't open yet

Paulie and I got two pints of some really good beer

I only drink about once a week now and had been awake since 3 am

so those two pints kinda hit me pretty early

then we cross the street and go into the club

Paulie goes to the merchandise table

and I go, yes thank you, to the bar

now usually the drinks they serve in these places are in the small clear plastic cups

and they're full price

but we were there so early my drink was pretty big

and it was a glass

later on they switched to small plastic cups

so I kept taking my original glass up to the bar and refilling it

we go and sit with some strangers (they said they were going to leave soon)

now we're sitting around cracking wise and yucking it up

and I must say I was in vintage form

the ol Big V charm was in full effect

they ended up staying cause we were raising hell at that little table

so I'm drinking these drinks like I breath air

I am hammered

we then move to the floor to see the band that paulie likes

by then I had worked the whole club

people kept coming up to me and talking to me

and I danced a few times

this club could tell I was having a blast

and they wanted to get on the ride that I was on

when the band takes the stage a girl says in my ear" do you smoke pot?"

and I say back to her, "I can be talked into it."

then she asks if I can get her a light

I ask a guy next to me then give her the lighter

she lights up her joint and I thought she was gonna pass the joint to me

but instead she locks lips with me and blows the smoke down my throat

she does this twice

I had the guy his lighter back and he laughs

Paulie has no idea what's going on because he's in front of me facing the stage watching the band

damn I bet that looked hilarious

a few minutes later I ask the girl "Hey can I give the guy a hit for letting us use his lighter?"

she says sure and hands me the joint

but it wasn't a joint

ok, stay with me on this

so there's this new device that's a fake cigarette

I've been seeing the commercials at work for these

it's to help people quite smoking

it's for smokers who are craving a cigarette

it produces a smoke like vapor that's harmless

it has a battery and a glowing tip like a real cigarette

but it's kinda bulky

this chick packed it with pot

so she hands me this and I just stare at her

then I say, "What the hell is this?"

she says, "It's a joint."

I purposely give her shit over how ridiculous this looks

and tell her the guy's gonna think I'm messing with him

I'm gonna go over to him with this big fake ass cigarette

saying hey," you wanna get high?"

my eyes all big and a creepy smile

so I go over to him and say, "Hey man you want a hit?"

he does look at it a little weird but takes it anyway

now because it's plastic he sucks on it pretty hard to get the smoke going

and for some reason i'm cheering him on

again Paul misses all of this

so this band is from Norway

and this is the first time they're in Tx

man we rocked that place

I like to think I helped get the crowd going

The band loved us

when they finished I got the whole club chanting "ONE MORE SONG! ONE MORE SONG!"

they did come back and rocked some more

here's a sidenote

whenever a girl falls you automatically help her up and ask," are you ok?"

no matter how fat, skinny, old or young

that's just a rule of life

on the way out I fell so hard a dude helped me up and asked if I was alright

I can see it now

him helping me up with my fake joint bent in my mouth

at the end of the night it was pouring rain

so we sat in the club and waited out the rain

It was already past two and I was under the influence of everything at that point

so I tell Paulie lets just run to the car

he agrees

soaked does not begin to describe how wet we got

I get dropped off and Paulie heads back to Vic

soaking wet

a few days later I called Paulie and he had a cold

F you Johnny Winter

So myself and Sharpie are currently in a contest with Kate the Great, Tyson and Cyrus

Sharpie and I rented a house and so did the Morton trio

so it's house versus house

the contest is for the coolest house set up

the winning house will host the 2010 New Years Eve party

the judges are Carrie, Gentleman, and Raul

we have until November to fix it up the best we can since they're both fixer uppers

I've actually been watering my lawn these past few weeks

I got excited when I saw that there was rain in the forecast

well I am gonna be 35 this year

I guess at some point I would worry about my lawn

just kidding, I only care because I wanna kick the Morton's asses since it's 3 on 2

So I was thinking, I have an awesome picture of Stone Cold that I took

and I've never done anything with it

so I thought I'd blow it up and hang it somewhere in the house if not my room

I'd need to go to Raul's to get the pic cause I have the small version of it

I thought, too bad Raul can't blow it up for me

then I thought of this gem of a story that I had forgotten about

it's the last time I had Raul blow up pictures for me


So it's 1994 and Raul is 19 and I'm 20

we are both in a speech class at Victoria College

one of our assignments is to give a speech using visual aids

of course I go on the last day and wait to the night before to think of my speech

I was really heavy into blues at this time, so I picked that as my subject

to narrow it down I picked the subject of Texas blues using posters of Texas Blues men

I had a book that talked about the subject

Raul worked at the Student Center and said he could blow up the pictures there

So I gave him blue poster boards (for the blues, get it?)

he would make the copies that night and bring them with him to class in the morning

I marked the pictures for him to copy and prepared my speech that night

the next day in class he hands me the posters

I look over them and to my disgust none of them were the pictures I picked

I'm not sure how this happened but I'm sure it was my fault (Raul will never admit to fucking anything up)

He blew up the wrong pictures

so there were only two speeches that day, the last two speeches of the class

I'm on next

now none of my notes are any good

basically I'm being called up and I have a handful of Blues men I know very little about because they're all fucking no name Texas blues men

Luckily one of them is BB King

I do recall while not a Texan, King spent a lot of time in Texas

so I start with him

the rest I make up hoping that none of the students are blues experts

I then flip through the pictures during my speech and then a man by the name Johnny Winters pops up

I hate Johnny Winters

He's an albino white Texas blues guy

he's got a terrible voice and only plays slide guitar

now don't get me wrong I like slide guitar just fine

just not all the time

that's why I love my man Clapton

he gives you just enough slide guitar

he gives you enough of everything

so I unwillingly give my speech on Johnny Winter

anyway I finish my fake speech with fake facts and look to see if I'm being challenged by anyone in the class

everyone is just looking at me and I take my seat

later I get my grade paper

I saw more writing on it than usual

so I'm thinking, shit, she knows I got my facts wrong

but instead it's a comment that reads, " Last year my husband and I went on a cruise and there was a blues night on the boat. Very interesting subject, Vincent. Great speech."

I think I got a B because I kept saying "um"

it could have been worse

I could have kept saying "I guess" at the end of every sentence

I'll have the Stone Cold picture blown up professionally this time

and if I every meet Johnny Winters I'm gonna punch him right in the mouth

then stand over his body while pointing down at him and say," that's for making me do a speech on you in 1994!"

Our First Job of babysitting

So my Goddaughter was born on August 23 2009

Her name is Hayley Claire Bogard

this is my first time being a Godfather

Kate is the Godmother and I'm Co-Godfather with Sharpie

and I'm very proud because I'm with good peoples

I drove to the hospital in Kileen on the Sunday she was born

it was on base there at Ft Hood

I could only stay about an hour but was happy to go and I took a few pictures with my cell phone

A few days later I went back with Kate

We all went out to eat with the Bogards

at the resturant Carrie tells me, " oh hey I, need to look at the pictures you took on your phone to see if I'm wearing my wedding ring."

they haven't been able to find the ring since they were at the hospital

I say sure and Carrie says she'll look after we eat

when we're done we head over to a tattoo parlor where tyler is going to get a new tat

while he's getting signed up, Carrie is feeding little Hayley in the car

so Kate and I go to a sex shop in the same shopping square

we are both looking for the butt plugs, cause we think butt plugs are hilarious

but we can't find them

we do find ... now stay with me on this... a recreation of the gut and pussy area of a fat porn star for you to fuck

I don't think I've ever used that phrase before, "for you to fuck"

ha ha anyway, I couldn't resist

I had to take a picture of it on my phone

Kate and I then split up and looked around

there's dildos, vibrators, porn dvd's, anal beads, fleshlights, blowup dolls, a complete lower section of a man with a hard on in the front for you to hang your hat on and his ass in the back

for you to fuck

anyway, while on the phone with my mom (ha ha ha ha this is true) I find the butt plugs

I hang up and go find Kate

I see Kate and am about to yell, "Kate I found the butt plugs!"

but just then the doors rings open and a woman pops her head in and asks "is it alright if I bring my baby in here?"

no, it's not Carrie (some people have asked me that)

I then see Kate quickly look around for me

when we see each other we have this conversation just with our eyes, "Tuna did you hear that?"

"Yes Cake, I did" (Oh yeah I've been calling Kate, Cake for some reason now)

we both crack up

we then leave and go find Carrie and Tyler and Hayley in the tat shop

while there I show Carrie the picture of the large vagina

she looks at it and laughs

then says," oh hey can I look at those pictures you took at the hospital?"

I then say," yeah just hit down, they're under the fat pussy"

Tyler (who's leaning back in a chair with Haley on his chest) looks up at me and laughs

then they call Tyler over and to begin

Carrie wants to go with him so she asks Kate to watch the baby

I stay too and say I'm there in case a fire or something happens cause Kate has the baby thing under control

So our first babysitting gig was in a tattoo parlor and involved a sex shop, butt plugs, and a fat pussy

and to think, I only have to wait 18 years to tell Haley this story

maybe longer

anyway, welcome to the Family Hayley

Love,
v
Your Godfather

A Sturgis Story

So it's night number four in South Dakota

I've been connected to Raul and Sharpie for the past four days like one of those episodes where we accidently glued ourselfs to each other

and we have been hitting it hard for the past four days thanks to Duper

he kept us on a crazy schedule that started in the morning and ended in the morning

We closed down every bar we went to

at the end of the night it was only the four of us and the people who work in the bar

I don't think I've ever seen the sun come up that many consecutive days in a row

now on our last night we're in the car drinking like we're all 17 again

because we ran out of money and needed to save what we had to get home

we're in the parking lot of the largest bar I've been to in my life

we were gonna call it a night early because Duper had to go back to work the next day and we were tired and broke

he talked us into going to the car and drinking the bottle we had bought earlier because his girlfriend was on her way to meet us this night (the only night she can party with us)

he wouldn't let us leave

when she gets there Duper and Raul are ready to go back into the bar (I can't blame them it was like a phycho circus, this was Sturgis all the way baby)

Sharpie and I stay behind because we actually started having fun just hanging out in the car and we weren't quite drunk yet

now picture this I'm in the front passenger seat and Sharpie is sitting directly behind me in the back passenger seat

we're both gonna rent a house and be roommates officially for the first time

Sharpie starts talking about how excited he is about the house

then he asks something that surprises me

this is how the conversation goes at this point:

Sharpie " Hey Tuna, do you think The Madnes will see our house?"

V "I don't think so Sharpie, he's gonna be pretty busy now and we only have a year before I head off."

Sharpie " How's he doing? Do you talk to him?"

V " Yeah we keep in touch, he's doing fine."

Sharpie " you know something tuna, I think I miss him."

V "Do ya?"

Sharpie " Yeah, it's funny because he wasn't the loudest, the craziest, or the most flashy person around, I always got along with him though. I do miss him."

V " yeah I know what you mean."

we left it at that then headed to this giant bar and proceeded to shut it down

we did not get Duper home early

I Have Never Seen that Before...

my time with the Gentleman is coming to an end real soon

we did 7 months together

Sharpie has already moved in with us and the three of us are all together for this last month

In August Sharpie and I will be roommates

this has been about 4 or 5 years in the making so it's very exciting

with my time being Gentleman's roommate I have to admit

it hasn't been a highlight of my life in any way

it's not Gentleman's fault

he is a funny, quirky guy

it's like having a cartoon as a roommate

it's mostly me

the Gentleman drinks alot and I think I'm starting to curb my wild nights

I've spent more time in my room reading while he has company

I've very particular who I drink with these days

I miss living alone to be honest

also I've been flat broke and that's no fun at all

when you're that broke you have very little options

so you can get stuck being a prisoner in your own house

since Gentleman is in the same boat he's more like a cell mate than a roommate

and like when I was in jail I just want to do my time and get out

again this is so unfair to Gentleman because he was a part of my worst days in Austin

but considering how little we had I guess we made the best of it

I can't say that we clicked that well either

I could never shake the feeling that he was someone else's friend and not mine

I guess there was a degree of unfamliarity

but he does enter that realm of being my roommate now

and it does take a special someone to do that

I'll always treat him like that

going into this new situation with Sharpie is already off to a nice start

Sharpie is family

I kinda have been living with him for the past 5 years anyway

I'm now full time

ha both at my job and with Sharpie

so hopefully the money won't be so tight

and I get weekends off

this will be my last year in TX so I couldn't think of another person, other than my other brother Rube, that I'd rather end it with

so now to tell a story that explains the title:

the other night I was hanging out with Gentleman drinking

we were both completely hammered

I was cracking him up pretty good

at one point he took a drink from his beer and I made him laugh hard

he couldn't swallow his beer

and he didn't want to spit it out

but he was cracking up silently

he had his feet on the table in front of the couch

so his ass was kinda pointing out

he then started farting

and because he was cracking up he was moving up in down like he was laughing

and his farts had pauses in them like they were laughs

I made a grown man laugh out of his ass

I told him I'd never seen that before

when he recovered he said He'd never done that before

Adventures Pants

so I've been going on hikes a lot lately

I love to go off the path and just get lost

some paths it's illegal to stray so those aren't so much fun

I'm really enjoying this and it's good for me

as a matter of fact

I have the next 4 days off

now the old V would have drank all 4 days with the climax being the Clapton concert

but since I've been working out regularly and hiking it seems kinda counterproductive

I will drink when I'm there with EC but not before

I wanna kinda start getting into some heavy Hiking

I've got my sights set on Seattle after about a year here in austin

it looks like there's all kinds of outdoor stuff out there

skiing hiking rock climbing

so there's a REI store in Austin

they specialize in outdoorsy stuff

I went to their website and was looking through their gear

I found something called adventures pants

wow

they look just like normal pants

I then thought assless pants

now those are adventure pants

I was gonna post a picture of assless pants but they were mostly dudes

so instead I looked up the definition

according to Urban Dictionary assless pants are: similar to chaps, but more like regular pants with the asses cut out

but the funny thing is it goes on to say that David Lee Roth constantly wore assless pants

it made it seem like Urban Dictionary and David Lee Roth were friends and Urban Dictionary
was tired of those damn assless pants

No, I am Legend!

so let me explain the differences between the master control gig that I do now in Austin vs the gig I had in Victoria tx

basically there's no supervision

in Victoria the DOD (Director on Duty) was in charge of the MC operator

here it's just me myself and I

in Victoria we ran 6 stations

here theres only one

so needless to say it can get pretty boring

so after a couple of weeks I got a little bored and curious

and like Victoria there's nobody here on the weekend

so I went around the building looking for things

the first thing I found was a tv monitor

I set it up next to the cbs monitor

I guess I was used to mutiple monitors

I put a paper clip on the back and was able to get local channels

the coolest was fox on sundays

family guy and simpsons and all that jazz

and since there's a computer here I write more blogs

Paulie said it sounded like that movie I am Legend

I go looking for food when I can but I have to be back in the room by dark

because they come out at dark

there is one other person here

the engineer but he's more like my dog in that movie

wait I'd better not call him that

he's middle eastern and speaks with a heavy accent

the last person to call him that he treatened to rape and kill (true story)

the next time I went out I went looking for speakers for the computer

I found some old ones and brought them back in my room

I made it back but just barely

my dog didn't however

I'll miss him forever

now after a few installs I now have video and sound

but instead of looking for other living people

I go to sites like hulu

to watch television

the commercials are right

it is evil

but I get to check out some wwe which this process is slowly weening me back

I had to to check out the Hart Dynasty

Paulie has been informing me on what's the haps so far in wwe

hmm that sounds familiar

he told me about the new Harts

it has Bret's only protege in it

I watched his match, they have Bret's screaming guitar as the open

but then the song starts to suck

I told Paulie it's like going into the garbage chute

it's cool at first but then youre deep in shit

I'm still quite not ready to be a fan again

if anyone is reading this please send help

Like the Fly Said While Crossing Over a Mirror, That's One Way of Looking at it

so I was at my favorite bookstore and came across a magazine

at first glance I thought it was Gary Oldman on the cover (you know Commisioner Gordon)

so I say to myself, "Damn, Gary Oldman looks like shit!"

upon closer inspection I realize that it's a picture of Mickey Rourke (you know, The Wrestler)

then I tought, "Damn, Mickey Rourke looks pretty good

this is kinda what the cover looked like:

Houston VS the Big V The Re-Match

so the last time I was in Houston I went to jail

I didn't write about it because I made a documentary instead

but I was in jail for 4 days

yeah most people go to jail and they're out in the morning

I was there so long I got a visitor

so get this

in two weeks I'm going back

to the same arena that I was in hours before I went to jail

and the three people I'm going with were there when it happened

it's the Clapton concert

the last time I saw Clapton live I raised some SERIOUS hell on the River Walk

you had to be there to understand how much hell we're talking here

anyway we're staying at a nice hotel and it will be a blast

jail or not

good luck Houston

I'm looking for a little payback

"Whenever you make a mistake or get knocked down by life, don't look back at it too long. Mistakes are life's way of teaching you. Your capacity for occasional blunders is inseparable from your capacity to reach your goals. No one wins them all, and your failures, when they happen, are just part of your growth. Shake off your blunders. How will you know your limits whithout an occasional failure? Never quit. Your turn will come."

-Og Mandino

A Family Reunion

now keep in mind this story takes place 3 days after I was mauled by a giant

back in the day the family(Carrie KAte Chris and myself) used have the hardest time taking a picture with all four of us in it

it was a while before that actually happened

now and days its even harder for the four of us to actually be in the same room together

but one Friday that happend

it was a nice reunion

Family core was there as well as Gentleman Tyson and Raul

here's a quicky:

Gentleman gave me a hug in the kitchen and while he was walking back to the table I kept staring at him

all of a sudden his legs went wobbley kinda like the scarecrow learning to walk

he almost fell out of the window

he yells" what the hell was that?"
"My legs stopped working, I almost fell out of the goddamn window!"

he turned around I was still staring at him

he said, "did you do that?"

Sharpie says "probably, me and Tuna have that power."

I denied it

anyway everything was going great

Tyson wanted me to buy the Hurricane beers

I did and it made the Gentleman cringe

the usual happened but then all over a sudden it got wild

Raul went nuts

he just got really drunk and snapped

what he was doing was going around and grabbing people

a little inapproriately

it was like he worked at a doorknob factory and was the inspector

and his hair was all frizzed out and out of control

it made him look like a savage beast

at one point he grabbed me by the waist and lifted me straight up, then fell back with me in the air

in the wrestling world this move is called a flap jack it looks like this:
he did it with out the second guy

anyway Tyson said while I was in the air I looked at them and said,"oh this is gonna hurt"

KAte said I never dropped my beer

If my bones already were not powder they would have definitely broken

anyway he got out of the house and I chased him down

he knocked me around and just about all of my wounds re-opened

that was the first time I was bleeding out of the same wounds

later I got scabs on my scabs

anyway I had everyone go into the rooms

KAte Tyson and Sharpie were in my room

I told them,"when I leave, shut this door, and no matter what you hear don't open it."

they agreed then Kate tells me they looked for the shotgun

they were afraid that I took it out with me

ha ha ha could you imagine

you hear a shotgun blast and then I come back and say"ok you can come out now"

man could you imagine all the blood and hair that would leave

but they were curious and and they would crack the door

Raul would see them and make a break for them

I would keep him away

and got tossed around in the process

it was a nightmare

next day the hurricane had hit Tyson pretty bad

we went down a road with a beautiful view

we all sighed and took in the view, Tyson needed to throw us so we pulled over

I can just imagine the picture of that beautiful view with Tyson leaning over and puking

anyway Gentleman was driving and that's when we found out how bad a driver he is

his turns were making Tyson sicker

Kate said" Gentleman you're a horible driver, I wish Erik was driving "

that's pretty bad

if you knew how much Kate dislikes The Madnes' driving

anyway my Wolverine recovering powers kicked in and I was 100% in the next few days

The Wrestlemania of football

I hate the Superbowl

I fucking hate the Superbowl

and here are the reasons

it's like a forced party

even women celebrate the superbowl

it's like a christmas party

it's the one time of the year that some people drink on sunday (but not much)

people who don't throw hardcore parties will have a superbowl party

it's all a bunch of mild fun

anyone that does things mildly is my swore enemy

what I don't get is as a football fan you obviously have your favorite team

well it's the biggest game but only two teams play

so if your team is not in it you're watching a game with two teams you care nothing about

at this point you're just a fan of football

BORING!

the NFL doesn't even make the superbowl special

do you know who does

Dorritos, Pepsi, Taco Bell

it's like the NFL has an awesome pad and thier friends taco bell and Pepsi crashed it and took over the party

I love pro wrestling

and our "superbowl" of wrestling just keeps getting bigger and better every year

well I guess we can't all be titains of drinking or gods among men

ps. while I was in the gym

during the superbowl

someone had left it on the animal channel

they were showing a puppy bowl

just a bunch of puppies frolicking around a pen disguised as a football field

there were a bunch of toys in there too

this thing had announcers and instant replays

here's the best part

this was puppy bowl 5

Tuna and Sharpie

this one is going to be an ever growing blog

I'll update it throughout the year

Some of the conversations Sharpie and I have are just too priceless

enjoy:

-Sharpie was in town one afternoon and wanted to meet for lunch

he wanted somewhere that served beer as well as food

these are texts

Sharpie: Tuna where do you want to meet for lunch
Tuna: What about Wendy's its right next to my job
Sharpie: Tuna, there's no beer at Wendy's
Tuna: oh that's right you wanted beer, well what about Pluckers
Sharpie: Let's do it

what ended up happening was we drank giant beers, I called in for the rest of the day, Sharpie called in for a play he was directing, he lied that his mother was sick or dying, we were there long enough to have two waiters, we joined a trivia bowl, we took applications and interviewed people to join the family, and our lunch lasted about 8 hours

next thing I know we both wake up in my little house hung over and exhausted

and generally miserable

Sharpie: "Maybe we should have gone to Wendy's."

-SO the night that Sharpie headbutted a car he jumped on my back piggyback style

I lost my balance and fell right on my face

dropping Sharpie on his face too

resulting in both our faces having strawberries and cuts

when the street crowd saw this they gasped

the next day we woke up at my brother's pad and watched the recording of monday night raw

two female wrestlers made their entrance

One female wrestler jumped on her partners' back piggyback stlye and they ran down the ramp

Sharpie" Look Tuna, that's what we tried to do."

Sharpie " Man, they mean it when they say don't try this at home."

-One night Sharpie and I went to a bar in a out of the way place

when we got there the parking lot was full

there was only one spot that was open but there was a wooden post on the ground

I could have driven over it

so I gave it a gentle test run

but then I stopped

Sharpie: "You can't get over it?"
Tuna: "Well, I'm worried that there's a nail in it or something and with our luck we'll get a flat way the hell out here."
Sharpie:"Well, get down and check it for nails."
Tuna: "No, cause if I get down and check it for nails then I'd be a wanker."
Sharpie: "Well I'll get down and see if I can move it. I'll be a wanker."(Sharpie opens the door and starts to get out)
Tuna: "In that case while you're there check it for nails."

-One Sunday I was helping Sharpie move in San Marcos

we were at his new place and unloading my truck

since we were going up a couple of flights of stairs I wanted to take as much as I could in one trip up

so I had a rather large box in my hands and was going to put a smaller one on top of it

I was gonna set my large box down on the tailgate but Sharpie was in the way

so I was waiting for him to get his box and move out of the way

Sharpie looked at me and I guess to him it looked like I was standing there with a large box in

my arms and just staring at a smaller one in the truck

Sharpie: "What are you doing?"
Tuna:" I'm gonna put that box on top of this one."
Sharpie:"Using the force?"

-The second time I went to Pluckers was when I visited Sharpie in San Marcos again

I was coming back from Victoria and I had Sharpie's wallet with me from a previous adventure

on the phone Sharpie told me to take a particular exit

the exit led right to a Pluckers

I texted him back and said" I see where this is going

next thing I know we wake up in his car at a construction site

a worker knocked on the window and told us we were blocking the 18 wheelers

Sharpie started the car and I got into the front seat (I had climbed in the back in the middle of the night I guess)

the worker who woke us up said," long night?"

Sharpie said, "yeah"

and we took off

- One other time I had to babysit my nephew in Kyle

that's about 40 minutes south of Austin and 15 minutes to San Marcos

so I call Sharpie and tell him I'll be in the area that night

so after I get off at 11 that night I stop off in San Marcos on my way to Kyle

since I was going to be a little late my sister is gonna leave me the key

I met up with Sharpie at a local bar

he orders us a couple of V-bulls

I hadn't had those in a while

the usual happens and I don't get to my sisters till about 3 am

my nephew wakes me up at 7am so there you go

it is never easy for me

while we were at the bar Sharpie saw a friend of his, B Sims

Sharpie says to me, " Tuna I'm gonna say hi to my friend B Sims."
I say, " Hey I'll go with you, I like B Sims"

so we head off and I go and give B Sims the biggest hug I've ever given anyone in my life

a few days later Sharpie and I are talking about how hard I hugged his friend

Sharpie said, " Damn Tuna, you hugged B Sims like you were hugging Grimmace at McDonalds

-Last story guys because now I live with Sharpie it's gonna be too hard to keep up with all the shit we do

So on our first night as roommates

Sharpie and I decided that we would do some laundry

we both had about two loads to do

the laundromat is right down the road from where we live

next to it is a bar called Lala's

its a Christmas themed bar

I had told this to Sharpie and he had a friend who said that bar is really cool

so he wanted to check it out while we did our laundry

we get in there and its just four old barflies sitting at the bar

Sharpie says "It must be ladies night"

so we drink a couple of pitchers

that goes on pretty smooth

then before long the bar starts getting busy

we then notice a string of elves hanging from the ceiling that moves up and down every once in a while

Sharpie and I wonder why that happens

I tell Sharpie I bet it's the men's room door that does that

so I get up and say," I'll go check."

I get to the men's room and see that the string is connected to the door and whenever it's opened the little elves bob up and down

I stay right there and look over at Sharpie and yell clear across the bar, "YEAH IT'S THE MENS ROOM DOOR THAT DOES THAT!"

everyone stops and stares at me

Sharpie cracks up because something like that happens on a tv show that he likes

we leave and go check on our clothes

on the way out I tell our waitress to save our seats

when we come back our seats are taken

I yell at our waitress, "you had ONE job!"

so something interesting happens

at first it's just older people in the bar

but then a bunch of young people come in

I wave at a young lady that came in the bar alone

she comes over to me and says "do I know you?"

I say "no."

I follow up with, "do you want to?"

that's a classic V line

she orders a drink and comes back over to us

she's waiting on her friends

so she joins me and Sharpie while she waits

after a while her friends show up and Sharpie and I join them

it's good times

we're all cracking wise and yucking it up

in the meantime the Laundromat closed on me and Sharpie

so I go check on the clothes and sure enough it's all dark and closed

so I'm drunk and my clothes are locked up like the Big V on the Hall of Fame night

I then notice that someone had put a newspaper on the top of the door to keep it from locking

so I try the door and it opens

I go in and then the door shuts behind me locking

so now I'm locked up like the Big V on the Hall of Fame night

but I found a door that opens

I prop the door open with a trash can and then leave to go get Sharpie

he comes with and we load two rolling baskets with our clothes and wheel them out to the car

the crowd we were with is outside smoking and laughing

i can imagine what that scene looked like

after a long while and too many pitchers later we call it a night

I'm supposed to be at work at 4 am and it's now 2:30 in the morning

I'm 45 minutes late for work

the next day I sleep as soon as I get off at noon

doing laundry sure is tough

Because God was too busy to help...

so after having one hell of a night with the triple H beers

I was running some errands the next day

I get a call on my mobile

so I don't like to talk on my phone while I'm driving

I usually pull over and talk

that puts me in some strange places

so this time I'm on the side of a strip mall

I'm sitting on the ground when I see a guy come walking at me pretty fast

he stops on the other side of me and lights a cigarette

I finish my phone call and look at him and start up a conversation

why not

I'm still a little drunk and now a little hung over

so this is our conversation:

V: "How's it going?"

guy: "Man, I'm pissed."

V: "I can see that." "What's wrong?"

he starts to explain his problem

it revolves around a person

so when he finishes I say

"well, what are you gonna do about it?"

guy:" I'm gonna violently silence him (the guy that did him wrong)!"

I let him finish

guy " I'm gonna strangle him and I won't even break a sweat!"

I look down at the ground and I say,

"I think you should."

"Because talk is cheap, and think how good that will feel."

"And no one will ever fuck with you again."

I look up at him and he's staring directly at me

he takes a long drag off his cigarette and tosses it and walks away quickly

I think he went to go do it

instead of a guardian angel

he got me

because God was too busy to help

ok here's a bonus story

so I'm at the Wal-Mart the other day and I'm looking at the magazines

I come across a WWe best of 2008 issue

there's a poster in there that was really cool

so I decided I was going to steal it

I just felt like stealing

but listen to the way that I did it

instead of hiding it under my shirt or somewhere else

I decided that Wal-Mart was going to hand it over to me

So I go and grab a bag of cat food

When I go to check out I pull the poster out from under my arm

While the cashier is bagging the cat food

I hand her the poster and tell her," I brought this in to see what size frame I need."

"but they're all too big, can you put this in the bag for me?"

she does and I walk out with stolen merchandise

past the guard at the door

who I say hello, goodbye to on the way out

but now that I have the poster I don't know what size frame I need

The Wrestler

so I really enjoyed myself Saturday

I was basically all alone

first my brother was out of town visiting friends

I already went out with Sharpie that Friday

I'm not quite yet Gentleman's rommate

although we have been approved

and it was a Raul free weekend

so I went to see the Wrestler

first though

I had to go to the theater on 6th street

that was the only place that was showing it at midnight

it was wierd walking down that street without my posse

everybody was drunk and falling down around me

I kept wishing someone would start shit with me

but they wouldn't

everyone was actually nice to me

a few people kept me company on my way to the theater

they couldn't believe I was sober and going to a movie on 6th street

so I get there and they're showing clips from wwe

Ric Flair and Hogan and stuff

that was cool

the movie itself was alright

it was good not great

but it was very familiar

with the bingo hall wrestling

and the strip clubs

ha I know those worlds very well

the walk back to the truck was as interesting as the walk to the theater

maybe more so

because the bars were closing and all the drunks were on the street

again I wished someone would start something with me

again they were all nice to me

drunk, but nice

that was quite an experience

chock that up as a new first for me

that's one for '09

The Big V reborn

So I went and joined a blogging site

I had too

I realized if I didn't I would forget all the cool crazy shit that happens in my life

and it cuts through all the bull shit of myspace

I had too many strangers as friends on that thing

but I know that a lot of you all loved to read these things

I wonder how long this blog will stay a secret

well I'm gonna get some pics from Raul so I can write about my first day of this new year

you guys are gonna love it