Thank Heaven...Stories from 7-Eleven

Yes, 7-Eleven

I couldn't help myself, something usually interesting happens to me at 7-eleven

for example tonight, I hadn't eaten all day and I had a hankerin' for some pizza

if you've never had pizza from 7-eleven

you've never had pizza

period

-The Seagrams Lady-

so I'm at the counter and I order a large

the dude goes to the back and gets out a frozen one

while he's unwrapping it a woman comes flying in

she's one of those old toothless hags

and looks like she's chewing her gums when her mouth is closed

she screams, "do you sell 7-up?"

the guy, who's foreign says, "ya ya, 7-up over there" and points to the sodas

I'm standing there with my arms folded thinking...duh

as the woman walks by me I get a whiff of why she needs 7-up

she reeks of alchohol

and from my experience, it's Seagrams 7 if she's asking for 7-up

now she's back there and still can't find it

and yells that to us

then she gets her friend to help

no good

meanwhile, my pizza is cooked and the dude is slicing it

this "lady" is still back there and yells, "I can't find it! Where's the 7-up?"

the guy yells back, "back there!"

then she yells, "come back here and help me!"

he yells, "you wait"

then she starts cussing and throwing shit

he yells at her and rings me up

I get my pizza and get the hell outta dodge

it takes 90 seconds to make that pizza

that was the longest 90 seconds I ever went through

-Nub Cup-

another time I was in line at another 7-eleven

the guy in front of me was buying two drinks

when I looked closer I noticed he was missing a hand

he paid for his stuff and left

I paid for my things and left as well

this 7-eleven was next to a little city park

as I drove by the park I saw the guy sitting on a bench in the park

he was drinking one drink

and he had the other cup on the bench next to him

and he had his nub in the cup

I guess his little nub needed a break from the elements

that or his little nub was thirsty

-Lisa Hagle The HR Lady-

So on the weekends I had to work at 5 am

usually I wouldn't go to sleep for this shift

and I would go in an hour late

I would get there at 6 and make sure everything was ok

our clock in system was web based

we would go to a website and punch in

well since it was web based I would go into the system and change the clock back an hour

then punch in

then since everything was cool at my post, I'd run to the 7-eleven and get some grub

I got into a buzzed conversation with the clerk once:

clerk:"You going to work?"

me:"Yeah." (unwrap my breakfast taco and begin to eat it)

clerk:"I'm fixin to get off here in a little bit."

me:"ah the overnight shift. Do you like that?"

Clerk:" Yeah man, I get to see all the freaks here in Austin."

me:"I bet man, I've seen some weird stuff at 7-elevens. I could tell you some stories"

clerk:"(laughs) yeah, from 1 to 5 am it's a mad house, I think I'd have you beat."

and with that I said goodbye and went to work

this was a regular Sat morning routine

I'd been cheating the clock in system for months now

so Monday my ex-boss Dusty comes into master control and says, "check your email, if you got one from Lisa you're in trouble."

I check mine and no email from Lisa

now let me introduce Lisa,

she was the HR lady at the station

this is what she looks like

isn't she beautiful?

her hair must have been feeling ill on this picture day

it's usually as high as the cowboy hat on the Arby's sign

to scale

and if you think this pic is something you should see her in person

to walk behind her is a thing of beauty

she's one of those women whose tits are as big as her ass

and I'm talking big here folks

and she has a lisp

not the th lisp you know like "thorry I mithed your party"

it was the spit one

so you can imagine what it sounded like when she said Vince

now her story is that her department, Human Resources was outsourced

and instead of being let go she became the programming director for the station

and she had no experience and she still acted like the HR lady and refused to do her programming director job

so we missed all kinds of feeds

but she took upon herself to invistigate some clock in discrepencies

she noticed that the punch ins were coming from servers outside the station network

which means that people were clocking in at home and coming to work up to four hours later

so she printed out all of the door access times

she called all of the offenders to her office and showed them their clock in times versus the door access times

basically she busted them

now the reason I never got caught is because I only used the work computers and I always made myself 5 of 10 minutes late instead of on time everytime

anyway, I continued my little trick and kept grabbing breakfast at 7-eleven

meanwhile, there was a witch hunt for Lisa's head going on while I was still working there

-Lessons For My Son-

Now while technically this didn't happen at a 7-eleven it did happen as I was coming out of one

So I was leaving a 7-eleven and was going to go to the red box

there was someone already there so I got in Smoky and drove right next door which had another redbox

as I was driving around it looked like a woman was squatting next to the red box

it looked like she was peeing

her skirt was up and everything

I wasn't sure then I saw a stream of piss coming out of her dress

I was parked and when I saw that I backed up and left

because I thought to myself

this is a good lesson if I ever have a son

I'd tell him ," son, never touch a dead bat on the sidewalk, usually only rabid bats can be found in the daylight in plain sight." and also," never go near a woman that pees out in the open, if she's that free who knows what's in her pee myst."