You Know You're Drunk When You Can't Tell if You're Being Mugged...

Ok let's just jump right in on this one

so this Christmas I will be at KEYE for two years

there will not be a third

I am not a master control operator

I don't know what I am but it's not that

I've been scanning craigslist for jobs

and I came across this one: A Pub Quiz Host

I would host the quiz, interact with the crowd, tell a few jokes, take pictures of the night, and blog about it the next day

and the beer is free

I might be over qualified


so I email the guy

thinking I'll never get a reply

I tell him a little about me

I work at KEYE blah blah blah

I get an email from him that day

he works at KEYE too

I've never met him

we have opposite shifts

he tells me to meet him at the pub Monday night

he'll interview me with three other candidates

so come the day of the interview

I show up to the place

he's not there

so I go up to the bar and look at the selection

I was gonna play it safe and order beer

but I see they have Sailor Jerry

I've never been to a bar where they serve Sailor!!!

I order me a drink

man the guy pours me a stiff drink

then I meet the quiz guy

along with my competition

we all exchange small talk

then he asks if we're gonna stay to play the quiz

we do

I say we should all be a team

we're all sitting outside and it's a bit chilly

thankfully they have the outdoor heaters

we settle in and get ready for the quiz

then I hear,"Vincent?"

I look over and it's the lovely Pattie coming over to my table

I stand up and give her a hug

I ask if they're gonna play the quiz

they say yes and I suggest they come and join us

Pattie goes and gets her friends

then she comes back and asks if we wouldn't mind coming to their table

she says we have a heater over there

I say, "well we have one here."

but they do have more people so we fold and go over there

later on during the quiz the fire at their table goes out

I tell Pattie, "wow Pattie look at our old table, the heater is so strong flames are coming out the sides."

which was true

ok the quiz is going on and Pattie and Ali and friends how we all know each other (me and my company)

I tell them, "well we're all here for the job to host the quiz."

I add, "I'm getting drunk with my competition."

and that point I crank it to an 11 and just get smashed

Pattie and friends thought we were making that part up about applying for the quiz gig

then after a couple of rounds the quiz host comes up to us and says, "Hey, if you guys are up to it I'd like to get you all up here to read some questions so I can hear your voice on  the mic."

Pattie says,"wow I thought you were lying VInce."

the host announces that he's auditioning new hosts and we're gonna read some questions

he then tells the peeps to write the name of their favorite person on the quiz

I go second

and I am trashed

I get up there and tell a joke that bombs

I follow that one up with a second joke that bombs

someone yells, "What's the question?"

everyone laughs

I'm thinking "man I'm dying up here."

"but man I'm having fun!"

so I say "fine" and read question #4

I forget to re-read it

the host leans over and reminds me

then it's time to read question #5

but instead I re-read question #4

the host corrects me

I just laugh and say,"sorry folks"

and then I start laughing for real

I finally read question #6

I take the paper with the questions and the guy has to tell me to give it back to him

at this point I'm not sure what my inner dialogue is

I think I was singing Sinatra's ,"It happened..in Monterrey... a long time ago."

I thanked everyone and got the hell off the stage

I went back to the table and told my competition I just handed them the gig

I told everyone to write Greg's name on the paper

then the night got worse

after the quiz everyone went home

except I stayed and drank with the host

I have no idea what we talked about

the seat to my left kept getting new people in it

and I kept talking to the new person

they all said they saw my audition

I just laughed and asked if they heard the guy heckle me

then I just got drunker

and finally I got cut off

probably because I killed half a bottle and was working on the next full one

so the lady behind the bar gave me some water and was gonna call me a cab

I told her don't bother my ride was here

so I parked in an alley

and of course as I was walking to my truck I see a seedy looking dude coming at me

he says, "Hey man you wanna buys this jersey."

he holds up a baby blue FUBU football jersey

I ask him,"how much?"

he says, "40 dollars."

I tell him," I'm just leaving the bar all I have is 20."

he says, "I'll take 20."

I then say, " um what else you got?"

he then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a knife and clicks it open

looking back on it now he was probably threatening me with that knife

but at the time I look down and tell him, "you throw that knife in you got yourself a deal."

he does and we make the exchange

meanwhile in the truck I realize that I now have a shotgun in the truck and a knife

I know I'm a Texan but I don't think I need that many weapons

so as I turn the corner I throw the knife out the window

and that concludes my lecture on how to disarm a man wielding a knife

that was going to be the original punchline of this blog and that last part is true

I remembered it when I got in the truck the next day and saw the jersey

but the real punchline is I got the job